Why is it that when it comes to dating, people make the same stupid decisions time and time again?
Why does my friend only date guys that will eventually smack her around? Why does my brother only date women that he turns into his mom? No matter how many times we tell this one friend that he’s being taken advantage of by a girl that will never be his girlfriend, he still goes back again and again.
Is there something in our genetic code that forces us to do this? Everybody makes the same mistakes, myself included.
Why?
LemonVibe 
[You seem a little cynical, why do you assume every guy your friend dates will smack her around?
But I digress. We’re social creatures, we need interaction. At the same time we can’t help what attracts us to other people. It’s inevitable that people will gravitate towards similar people.
It’s the reason I only date twins. That way if things don’t work out, I have a second chance. A do-over if you will.
[Creatures of habit?
[Life is a school… you keep going back because you have yet to learn whatever it is you need to out of the situation. Once you learn, you can stop doing that and go on to some OTHER stupid thing that’s new and exciting.
[It’s kind of like, why do I keep ordering really spicy vindaloo, when I know it’s just going to result in an uncomfortable night spent between the couch and the bathroom in an attempt to manage the gastrointestinal fireworks that will inevitably ensue? Because it tastes f***ing delicious and I’m a glutton for punishment.
I don’t know, man, I know some people have really deep issues that Freud would have a field day with, but sometimes I think people just really like sex and are occasionally stupid. And when sexual desire and stupidity coincide, well… that’s what terms like “lapse in judgement” and “beer goggles” are for, right?
[Because 1) people are entertained by train wrecks, and 2) someone needs to entertain the people who are entertained by train wrecks.
[Talk about rhetorical of the top ten rhetorical type questions. Kind of feels like anyone could write anything here to answer your question and the follow-up question of “Why?” would still be applicable.
Coincidentally enough I had actually asked myself a very similar question recently regarding myself and my dating “habits”. It had actually reached the point where I had to ask myself, “Why don’t I ever seem to learn this particular lesson?” For me, the answer wasn’t that I hadn’t learned it but that I was aware of the lesson but frankly didn’t care. Though my particular lesson isn’t choosing abusive partners or manipulative women, etc.
We are who we are, and we’re going to continue to do things as long as they don’t harm us or others (hopefully). The older we get the less likely we are to change this habit because it becomes how we operate.
And at least awareness is part of a solution…right?
[I think a lot of it has to do with a lot of us reliving past relationships hoping to get closure or acceptance that we needed but couldn’t get at the time from that person. Sometimes, we recreate the same relationships over and over hoping that this time, it will turn out differently.
Sometimes, it’s force of habit or our self esteem…like in your friends case. She might think that getting smacked around is the best that she can do….or it might be that was how she was raised…maybe it’s all she knows.
It could be so many different things…and it takes a lot to change.
[In the case of your friend getting with guys that smack her around: It all comes to low self-esteem partnered with patterns and habit. Until she sees herself of deserving better, she will continue to date these assholes. Of course, each violent partner lowers her self-esteem that much more, so it becomes a spiral of loathing, hate and abuse.
As for your brother – that is typical of so many guys. They want to be babied and nurtured (not all guys, just many). This type of guy is usually the kind that wants an extended childhood/teenage years. They have a hard time maturing/growing up. In some cases, it was fostered by a mother who didn’t want her “baby/babies” to grow up (thus making her feel old).
These choices bear no reflection on you, so it’s time to stop worrying about your friends/family’s choices in mates. You deal with your relationships and let them deal with their own.
[I don’t know about anyone else out there, but I am stubborn. I don’t want to believe I ever fail at something, or give up. I am determined to see it through and have it be a positive experience. Well, when it comes to relationships, maybe things are the same. You re-live the same situation in the hopes that maybe, eventually, you will figure it out and things will finally end up the way you want them to. Have you heard Adele’s song, “Someone Like You?” There are qualities that you look for in a mate. When one mate doesn’t work out, you look for someone like that, even if what you had before wasn’t all that great. Maybe your friend is searching for something that men possess. When one relationship fails, she can’t seem to get it and so she moves on to the same relationship, in another vessel. She is searching for something that she will probably never find in these men, but I guess such is life. So focus on yourself and your relationships, and don’t let yourself be the person who goes back to the person who will never be the right one. I’ve spent a decent amount of energy caring about other people’s relationships, but when it comes down to it, you can’t control what they do, so it’s best to just shrug it off.
[I try to learn from mistakes and date men that aren’t abusive. Unfortch, men put on a facade many times and I don’t know until it’s too late. I’ve only found one man that I can get along with, and we had an open relationship. My last boyfriend was worse than my x-husband! He was beyond controlling and jealous. I learned in therapy that my most recent X tries to pretend he’s nice and laid back, but it’s only to draw me in then BAM – he’s himself again. It’s important to look for the warning signs soon and escape before you get in too deep. Therapy has helped me a lot in seeing things for what they are and keeping my head on straight.
[People feel that they learned all about their mistakes from the last relationship. Of course they won’t make the same mistake again. But then you change the variables. Well, this girlfriend isn’t AS controlling. She’s just stubborn. This guy is a lot less selfish and he’s really funny. They seems sorry, maybe if I did X or Y they would change. And I love them, so they probably will. Repeat.
People tend to give extra chances to people they love. And since people aren’t the same, they hold out hope that this new person will be different from the last one. And it’s true that sometimes that happens and people who have some bad fault will change, which leads them to stay in a situation they would probably advise others to leave.
[I think it’s because passion is often confused for attraction. The thing that may initially attract you to someone will be the thing you come to hate the most. You like the guy because he’s funny. You end up hating that he constantly tells lame jokes at parties. You like the guy that is clean and neat. You hate it when he constantly criticizes when you leave your shoes on the floor. You like the guy who is laid back and easy going. You hate the lazy slob who can’t find a job.
So, it’s hard to break habits because you don’t recognize what positive attribute could actually be the forshadowing of the evil to come.
So, if you want to break the habit, look for a serious guy with the dirty car but the clean bathroom?