I have a buddy who is, how shall we say, not the most socially graceful guy. If you know him well, he’s a great guy and fun to hang out with. So when we’re out as a group with people we both know, he’s perfectly fine.
The problem comes up when I try introducing him to new people. He doesn’t do it EVERY time, but he often says inappropriate things and just makes people feel awkward. Perfect example–a few weeks ago, we were out at a bar, and I ran into a female friend of mine, who was there with some random guy I didn’t know. She introduced him to us, I introduced my buddy to her, and literally the first words out of my buddy’s mouth are, “So, are you guys dating or what?”
Of course, my friend is mortified, because as I find out later, they were only hanging out as friends, but she was hoping for something more (but that’s another can of worms).
Anyway, this is the exact kind of stuff my buddy pulls, and I have no idea how to stop him. He’s also the kind of guy that says, “Hey, that’s how I am. If people can’t handle it, f— ’em.” Which I think is a defense mechanism for being socially awkward. But, whatever.
At this point, I pretty much just avoid introducing him to friends of mine he doesn’t know. But, ultimately, he is a good guy, and I’d like to be able to include him when I’m hanging out with others. Like I said, once you get to know him, he’s fine. But, it’s that first impression that he just doesn’t seem to know how to handle.
Any suggestions on how I can talk to him about this?
LemonVibe 
[Have you talked to him about this before? Is he aware of how he comes off or how he makes people feel when he first meets them?
I think you should talk to him and present it that way; tell him that when you introduce him to people, their first impressions can sometimes be negative, and that he can come off as being rather abrasive. I totally understand where he’s coming from in saying that he shouldn’t have to hide who he is or change for other people (If people can’t handle it, f— ’em.), but that’s not how social interaction works. You don’t have to change who you are to be a person people like to hang out with, but you do have to know when to turn it on and off, when is the appropriate time to take a shot at someone, when to just keep that question in your head rather than ask it aloud.
If he honestly doesn’t care that his behavior is pushing people away, then there’s not a whole lot to do about it. He’ll probably eventually learn to tone it down when he realizes he spends most of his time alone because friends don’t want to introduce him to anyone. I mean, you could say you’re a bit embarrassed about him, right?
And I know a lot of my comments contain the phrase “I know because I am that friend”, but it’s completely true for this one. I went out with this guy on Monday, and whenever I get nervous or feel the need to make someone think I’m cool, I turn into an über-bitch. It’s my defense mechanism. It doesn’t happen all the time, but when it happens, it happens (I lost count of the number of times I sarcastically uttered the phrase, “you’re such a douchebag”). I’ve screwed up a lot of burgeoning friendships and relationships because my ego got in the way. It would be a shame for that to happen to your friend too.
[If he’s under the impression of fuck em if they don’t get me. You could always tell him that shit works both ways.
Because it does.
I’d suggest asking him if that’s how he really wants to be known, as the guy who’s going to beaten to death in a bar by a burly friend of a friend.
[It’s always a little sad to me when I hear about stuff like this. The socially awkward guy who’s great once you get to know him, but for whatever reason, goes around saying things like “I don’t give an F what anyone thinks of me.”
Because it’s the people who really DO give an F that always say they don’t. If you truly don’t care how you’re perceived, then you don’t feel the need to go around validating yourself by telling everyone that you don’t care what they think of you. If you really don’t care. You just… don’t care. And that’s the end of it.
I get that people are all different. But in general, how hard is it to just say “nice to meet you” ?? Maybe I’m taking my own social non-awkwardness for granted, but I feel like it’s really not that difficult to just shake hands and say nice to meet you. Or say hi. Or say nothing at all and just smile.
When I hear about this kind of person I usually understand that inside, they just want to be accepted and feel normal, but social situations make them nervous and it’s a kind of vicious cycle. If he wants to change, he has to really try to be different. Stop and think, before he speaks. It’s like anything else you want to be good at. You need practice, you need to focus. Changing something about yourself is very difficult.
But as his friend you can’t make him change. You can only tell him how his actions make it hard for you to introduce him to people. And if he really doesn’t give an F, then he won’t care if you stop inviting him to things.
[I think it is safe to say we all have a friend like yours, or we might actually be that friend. The hard thing is that we love them! Because once you get past that rough and awkward extererior, there is a freaking awesome person underneath. But the fact of the matter is, most people aren’t willing to suffer through that social awkwardness to see the true person underneath. This is where you enter in. Sit your buddy down and give it to him straight. Have examples ready of his behavior, not because you want to rub it in his face, but because he needs to truly understand what you are talking about. Maybe he doesn’t consider the way his behavior affects others. Truth be told, it is better that he hears about this from a friend rather then hear about it when he crosses someone the wrong way due to his social awkwardness.
[I am right with Happy Pants on this one! I am a total B to all of my friends and super fake nice to those I can’t stand. When I taught high school my students could tell my favorites because of my teasing and would have hurt feelings if I wasn’t making fun of them.
And I know a lot of people who adopt the “f- ’em” attitude do so to cover insecurity. But some, like me, just honestly don’t care. That’s not to say I always have that attitude. I am a master of the social gamesmanship when I need to be; I just honestly don’t care to play the game 90% of the time. This is me, take it or leave it. And a lot of folks choose to leave it, which is fine. But my friends and usually those forced to be around me (students or teammates for example) end up loving and appreciating the sarcastic, teasing bitchiness of my personality. And for me, those few who really appreciate me for me are worth off-putting the many who can’t stand my particular brand of me-ness.
But in response to your question… The kind of interaction you describe definitely sounds more like your friend may be unable to read social clues. This is the kind of thing you might see from an Asperger’s kid (not that I am diagnosing, simply using my frame of reference). These kids just simply cannot read body language, facial expressions, or other aspects of social interaction the way most of us are able. Your friend really just might not be able to discern what is an okay comment or question. If that is the case, the f- ’em attitude is most definitly a defense machanism. Think of how embarrassed you get. Imagine if you were the one constantly stepping in it socially. If you friend does happen to lie somewhere on the AS spectrum or has some other form of interpersonal deficit, the best thing you can do is spell out the situation for him explicitly. Instead of “This is Jane and this is Steve” clue him in by saying “This is my friend Jane and this is her friend Steve.” That way be can accept the label and won’t have to try to figure it out.
[I think your example falls a little flat because from your friend’s perspective, he saw 1 strange guy partnered with 1 strange girl, so asking if “they are dating” is not an awkward stretch and shouldn’t hurt anyone’s feelings. But I know the type of guy you’re talking about. Short of removing him from your life (which sadly, he will do eventually anyway because of his f-it attitude), you will have to get used to these situations. Take advantage of it by coming up with an array of 1-liners that save face. Stuff like, “Excuse my friend… he just got accepted to neanderthal school.” At least that way you come off looking like a rock star. Don’t worry about him… he’s going to dump you the first time he has to choose between you and a woman.