This can only potentially work if neither person is dating someone new, I feel. But can you HONESTLY be friends with an ex? Meet up for lunch one day, or go out to watch your favorite sports team, etc.? Is this ever possible?
This can only potentially work if neither person is dating someone new, I feel. But can you HONESTLY be friends with an ex? Meet up for lunch one day, or go out to watch your favorite sports team, etc.? Is this ever possible?
LemonVibe 
[Timely question. At this very moment, I’m in Mammoth… staying in a three-bedroom condo… sharing a room with my girlfriend… with my last serious ex-girlfriend staying in the next room (we have a group of mutual friends that goes skiing together once a year).
I believe I may have an answer to this question by the end of the weekend….
[I’m still good friends with my long term ex-boyfriend. We each are dating new people, but still would call each other from time to time, meet up for coffee, and he’s even come and hung out with me and my new boyfriend and its been totally fine. I thought everything was going great, because I care about him a lot, but I have no desire to be in a relationship with him–this way, I can enjoy his company, but not rely on him for anything (because he is far from reliable).
However, I hung out with him last night, and he dropped the bomb that he still has feelings for me, hanging out with me is “bittersweet” to him and makes him think that we should still be a couple, and since he feels this way, it makes him feel guilty to hang out with me when he has a girlfriend. So, I thought it was working, but I was wrong. I think it can only work if BOTH parties have truly moved on, which is kinda rare. Not that many breakups are truly totally mutual. As long as either one or both parties still have an inkling of “those kind” of feelings, it will just be confusing and painful.
[I think it really depends. I think that it can work, although I’m not really “friends” with any of my exes. If things ended well (or as well as they can), I see no reason why you can’t hang out as friends, especially if other people are involved, or just meet for lunch to catch up once in a while. But if things ended poorly, it’s obviously going to be harder.
I don’t remember where I saw it, but I read somewhere online something along the lines of: saying “I hope we can be friends” when you break up with someone is bullshit, especially if your ex treated you with anything other than the respect you deserve. Friends don’t disrespect each other, so why would you be friends with such a person?
This is really the philosophy I take on the subject now. Why would I want to be friends with someone that hurt me? Or who I hurt?
Also, there’s a difference between actively keeping them out of your life and just remaining amicable. I think a genuine friendship with an ex, i.e. actually hanging out, having real conversations, is pretty difficult and requires both people to be completely over the relationship. And I would actually argue that it’s easier when one person or both people are dating someone new.
[Well one of the things that sucks about a breakup is that you don’t have a friend anymore. You can spend A LOT of time with someone and then it suddenly stops. So I get the appeal. But this is my experience with the three times I’ve tried this, three different girls.
1. We had a kinda lukewarm relationship and the breakup wasn’t great, but not catastrophic for either of us. A few months later we could hang out but once we started seeing other people we sort of just drifted apart.
2. Love. The breakup was really hard but she wanted to stay friends. Figuring it was better than nothing I agreed. I was never more upset that I was with somebody that I wanted but couldn’t be with and eventually realized she didn’t want me. We stopped doing anything together. It hurt, but that’s what happens.
3. This girl was psychotic and I didn’t really want to be friends, it was all insane fights. But she um, “seduced” me and ended up there another three months.
I don’t recommend trying to be fiends.
[I’ve had this go both ways. I’m still good friends with my college boyfriend, and with us things ended because of distance and our lives were just changing, and we weren’t right together anymore. We still chat once a month or so, we’ve visited, I was invited to his wedding and he’s invited to mine. With my most recent ex, I had thought we were still friends, we’d grab a beer and catch up every so often, he’d help me out with car issues, etc. Then a few months ago he dropped the bomb that he wasn’t happy with his fiancee (whom he had just bought a house with) and was still in love with me. So now we don’t talk anymore.
The majority of my exes I’d say I’m on friendly terms with – we’re not totally up to date on each others’ lives, but when we run into each other it’s nice to chat and catch up.
[No.
[Either both parties have to have moved on and/or are completely honest about their feelings for it to work, in my opinion.
I still love my ex-wife. She ripped my heart out when she left, but time healed that wound at least. And she still loves me. She’s said as much and after 5 years with a person, you don’t just stop, you know what I mean?
But, we know that we’d never get back together. We both know we’re better friends than we were in a relationship. We’ve both moved on, had other relationships, lost those relationships, started new ones, etc. and if either of us has a problem, we know we can turn to each other, but even the thought of us dating again make both of us laugh.
So, yeah, I think you can be friends with an ex, I’m living it. It’s my opinion that it’s only possible if both parties are ready to move on and are honest with themselves and their ex. Just because they hurt you (or you them) when you broke up doesn’t change the fact that there was a reason you spent so much time with them in the first place. Feelings don’t seem to go away, they just change color, if you will. After the wounded pride and broken heart mends, I think it’s entirely viable.
[I think it’s possible but highly circumstantial.
Let’s look at things like this, two reasons why a relationship failed:
1.) Because things didn’t work out romantically
2.) Because things didn’t work out within the friendship within the romance
If a relationship does not have a basic friendship (#2) then I don’t think you really have romance, you basically just have lust and sex. Fine if that’s all you’re looking for but then I definitely would not label that a relationship.
If you broke up because things didn’t work out on that romantic level then there could be the possibility of a friendship. It would also largely depend on how the relationship ended. If it was somewhat mutual (and I use that term loosely) then the odds could be in your favor. If one party ended the relationship while the other did not want it to end; a friendship could be extremely difficult.
Honestly, I wouldn’t say I’m friends with any of my Ex’s. One of them I have not seen since we parted ways (and I don’t care if I ever see her again). Others have simply faded from my life.
The most recent Ex I would even say I had seen was about 3 years ago. She was my first ever girlfriend (we dated in high school for a whopping 2 weeks) and we met up to catch up over coffee because we hadn’t seen each other for a decade. We caught up on our lives (she told me about her kids, current relationship, work, etc) and just had fun laughing about the past. Would I say we’re friends, not particularly since we haven’t spoken really since then…again just simply someone who faded from life.
I think the only instance where couples actively try to maintain a friendship after the relationship has ended is because they either a.) had a solid friendship established before they became romantically involved or b.) have mutual friends and often hang out in this particular group.
[If things ended well, then sure there’s a chance for a legitimate friendship, but if they ended poorly, it’s probably just better to let that person go. I mean, why torture yourself by keeping someone around that betrayed your trust or cheated on you? I wouldn’t WANT to be friends with that sort of person.