I’m a guy, and I have a female friend that I’m somewhat close friends with. Years ago, we hooked up a few times, but neither of us was particularly interested in the other, so we somehow ended up becoming friends. For a while, it was cool to have someone of the opposite sex to go to if we needed an opposite sex perspective. But lately, it’s becoming more and more one-sided, and it’s getting to the point that I really don’t want to deal with her crap anymore.
The problem is that she keeps doing the same stupid things over and over again. She admits that she likes bad boys. So she hooks up with guys that end up playing her. And when they break her heart, she comes crying to me.
At first, I didn’t mind being a sympathetic shoulder for her, but then, over the past year now, she’s been having issues with the SAME guy that she keeps going back to. And there comes a time when I have to draw the line. She knows that he’s bad news. She knows that when he calls, she should ignore him. She admits all this. But then she adds, “But when he calls, I just can’t help myself. So I pick up….”
And a week later, she’s heartbroken again.
Is there anything I can do about this? I mean, I’m still trying to be a good friend to her, but it really is getting to the point where I just don’t want to hear her complaining anymore. I mean, it’s ALWAYS about the same guy. Where do I draw the line between being a friend and telling her she needs to start making some new mistakes?
LemonVibe 
[To put it bluntly, there’s nothing you can do about it. Eventually, if she’s able to, she has to learn from her mistakes herself. As frustrating as it is, the likelihood that ANYTHING you say to her is actually going to reach her is very, very slim. The only thing you can change is whether or not she comes to you when she wants to vent, which seems like a tricky topic.
It sounds like you still want to be there for her as a friend, which is awesome. But it sounds like her definition of friendship is having someone listen to her bitch, which is slightly less awesome.
I’d just sit her down and tell her that you really value her friendship and you care about her, and you hate to see her making the same mistakes but that you realize she must have her reasons for continuing down the path she’s on. You want to be there for her as a friend, but listening to her redundant (maybe come up with a nicer synonym) stories about her boyfriend is really starting to take an emotional toll on you and really drag you down. You could try and politely suggest that you’d prefer her not to mention anything having to do with the guy. You’d still love to be there for her as a friend and help get her mind off of him, whether it be going out or talking about OTHER TOPICS, because rehashing the same toxic topic isn’t doing anyone any favors.
It’s super important you say this in a sympathetic, friendly way. If you want to keep the friendship, it’s important that she doesn’t feel like she’s being attacked. And obviously if this guy does something absolutely horrible to her you’d rather she come to you about it, but you don’t need to hear about every time the guy doesn’t call her when he says he would.
[I don’t know if this is true to most people, but I know that I can rely on my closest friends to call me out on my BS when I need them to. We both know that it will not harm our friendship in any way, shape or form. Sometimes an outside perspective is just needed; like having a different pair of eyes looking over a term paper.
If I surrounded myself with people who simply were like “Yes-men” and either agreed with everything I did in life, or only provided sympathy for the mistakes I made (the same ones over and over again) I would never grow as a person and my life-lessons would probably be extremely limited.
Sure, I may resist what they are telling me at first, especially if I keep repeating the same mistake, but eventually it may sink in if a friend pulls a ‘Moonstruck’ as a wake up call (YouTube – Cher and Moonstruck for a 5 second clip of what I’m walking about)
Now most of those friends are my closest guy friends because well…we share the same chromosomes.
Considering the fact that this friend is the opposite sex, and the two of you have a history (containing a few hook ups) my mind has me thinking the following:
She could be getting emotional gratification from you that she is lacking in her relationships by going out with these bad boys. The bad boys give her danger, excitement, chemistry and sexual satisfaction and when it comes to things like understanding, comfort, advice, sharing of feelings…she has you.
Again, I’m not saying this is what she is doing…but it’s a theory.
So, my advise is to call her out on her BS. As delicately as you can don’t show her much sympathy the next time one of those ‘bad boys’ breaks her heart. Let her know you’re sorry she’s hurt and is going through this but she obviously isn’t learning from past mistakes.
You wouldn’t continue to coddle someone who repeatedly burns their hand on a hot stove would you? Sooner or later they just have to learn on their own that the nothing is going to change the fact that when the stove is On the burner is going to be HOT.
[I have a girlfriend like this. She continues dating addicts. And it doesn’t take Freud to realize it’s because she needs someone to become addicted to HER.
This girl is using you as a cushion, as a drug that she can take to perk herself back up. And you’re letting her. Your instinct in not letting her pull her crap anymore is right. Be friends with her, hang out with her, but don’t ever get into the relationship spiral again.
[There was a guy who I kept going back to whenever he wanted to hang out, just knowing I’d get hurt in the end. But like your friend, I couldn’t help myself when he texted me to want to hang out. I’d drop anything to see him. It was dumb, but sometimes people have that effect on us. Friends couldn’t change my mind. I had to be hurt badly before I saw the light. Your friend will probably have to have the same thing happen to her. But if you’re tired of hearing about him, just tell her that, and say “I don’t want to hear about you with this guy because you’ll eventually get hurt.”
[I have girlfriends like this too. It’s easy to feel sympathetic or even empathetic in the beginning, but it gets hard to watch someone make the same mistakes over and over again. It’s nice that you’re still trying to be good to her and help her out, but, remember to be good to yourself, too. She’ll make her decisions regardless of any advice you will give her, and it seems like all you are getting out of the friendship is…hmmm. Nothing.
My favorite Shakespeare quote fits nicely here…maybe post it on her Facebook wall sometime:
“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
[If you want to put her down a little easier (although it kind of sounds like she needs some tough love here) say something like, “It’s kind of painful to watch you get hurt over and over again because you make the same mistakes with this guy. I KNOW you’re smarter than that. You’re my friend, and I want you to come to me whenever you have another problem, but I can’t sit here and enable you while you continue to let this guy take advantage of you.”
[Maybe the easiest solution is just to voice exactly how I’m feeling? Tell her:
“I’m sick of hearing you complain about the same thing over and over again. I’m willing to give you sympathy if it’s about a different issue, but from now on, you are NOT allowed to complain about this guy to me. If you’re going to keep making the same mistakes, then you have to deal with them on your own.”
[Look, you want to be her friend, end all, say all, right? You hooking up with her makes no damn difference then (right?). You just want her to get out of the destructive loop she’s in. It’s a harsh position to be in, I’ve been there.
BUT (and you had to see that coming), she’s not going to hear it. Not yet at least. The best you can do is point it out for her and be there for her. She won’t really see it till she’s ready to see it. Setting down ultimatums, like “don’t talk to me about him/it” will just drive her away from confiding in you in the future and that’s not what you’re after if you really want to be her friend. If she doesn’t come to you, she’ll go elsewhere.
The best you can do for her is to be there for her. You just have to make your voice heard! Let her know that you don’t like seeing her as she is the way she is now. Make sure she knows that you value her more than she seems to be valuing herself.
In a way, you’re pretty much telling her, “I told you so,” but you’re giving her a different perspective to look at the situation… One she’s not seen yet.
In the end, you won’t get her to change her mind till she’s ready to, but you’ll still be there for her when she finally does decide and she’ll remember you were there for her with sound advice, rather than shrugging her off as someone else’s problem.
Don’t do that. She needs friends that will speak their minds to her without shrugging her off. Make it clear that you have only her best intentions in mind first and foremost, but you’ve got to be honest. If you’re just tired of hearing it, then don’t put in the time. If you want to help her and be there for her, then DO that. That doesn’t mean you have to agree with her all the time.
[This sounds like a job for… romantic-comedy plotline in which a bad boy who’s really a nice guy deep down is hired to make your friend fall in love with him and then break her heart only to realize he’s really in love with her and then he win her back in the end!!
No? That’s not the right way to deal with this? Well, that’s all I got…