I’ve been dating a guy for a very long time, over 4 years, and everything is going great. Lets call him Mike. When we first met i had broken up with a guy not long before, who we’ll call Rick. I then started dating Rick again, while my current boyfriend and i were simply friends, but I never mentioned it to Mike, simply because we didnt talk about relationships, only our mutual interests and such. I wasnt hiding it, it just never came up in conversation. One night hanging out with Mike, and still dating Rick, we slept together. I broke it off with Rick the next day, and told him why and that to me, our relationship wasnt worth fixing. He really didnt get it, so i actually had to tell him we were no longer dating many times over the next two weeks until he finally got it through his head.
Getting to know Mike better and better throughout the years, i’ve discovered that he HATES cheaters, with a flaming passion, although it doesnt sound like any of his serious relationships ended that way. So i’ve been feeling guilty for quite a while now that the first time we slept together, i was technically cheating, but not on him.
Now, the past 2 months or so, Rick has started hanging around with our mutual friends, who i met him through, once again, and i see him every once in a while. My feelings for him are gone, now i just think of him as a ‘nice guy’ who i’m acquainted with. I dont believe it will ever come up in conversation, but having him around again is bringing up all the guilt again. After 4 years, should i tell Mike that our first night sleeping together i was in a relationship? Should i keep my mouth shut and deal with the guilt? I know our relationship is very strong, but with his such deep seeded hatred of cheating, i dont know if he would be able to overlook it, forgive me, or be okay with it. I’m not sure what to do.
LemonVibe 
[This is tough. If it weren’t for the fact that Rick is hanging out with mutual friends again, I’d probably say let it go. Do other friends know the course of events? If Mike could find out from someone other than you, I’d say tell him yourself.
[That’s a really tough situation. If it were me, I would tell Mike, just because I can’t stand feeling guilty over something like that. I would hope that after 4 years, he will see that you are more than that one action. You cheated once, at the very end of a dying relationship. That isn’t (and shouldn’t be, in Rick’s mind) your defining characteristic. Good luck!
[Here’s the thing: relationships are based on trust. And if you can’t be honest with him about the way your relationship started, that trust isn’t mutual because it is lacking on your end.
While you’re not outright lying to him about the way things started, you’re willingly allowing him to believe that you were both single at the time, and that clearly isn’t the case. That’s essentially lying.
I think that you should tell Mike, but there’s really only one other option: don’t tell him and hope he never finds out. And maybe he won’t, but I still think he has the right to know. But what if he does? How will he feel if he finds out through means that aren’t you? If I found out the same thing about my girlfriend, I don’t know if I could be in a relationship with her anymore. It would show me that she doesn’t trust me and has never been completely honest with me. I would feel like our entire relationship was based on a lie.
Now, I’m not saying that will be his reaction, but is that really a risk you want to take? I can guarantee that no matter what the result is, finding out on his own is going to hurt. A lot. I think you owe him some honesty.
[I would tell Mike if it really bothers you that much. There are a few outcomes, which are that Mike never finds out, he finds out from you, or he finds out from a third party. Do you think that with Rick hanging out again with your friend group the subject could come up?
I think it’s better to tell him that sit worrying for the rest of your relationship about whether he’d dump you. If he’s going to let one indiscretion that you obviously regret overshadow the years you’ve spent together, would you keep mum anyways?
[After 4 years with him, you’d think you would know him well enough to be able to tell how he’d handle the news. He may not like cheaters, but that doesn’t mean he hates them more than he cares for you. If he does, is that really where you’d want to be?
Kier is right on about relationships being about trust, but they’re also about compromise. There’s a give and take, an ebb and flow to them and while it’s good to have things you’re willing to be steadfast on, the relationship should always be a first priority, in my opinion.
For both of your sakes, I think you should tell him. If you keep it all inside and let it tear at you, it’ll destroy the relationship just as surely as telling him would and if he hears it from somewhere else first, it’ll hurt even more.
I’d actually be surprised if he turns out to NOT be understanding about it though. You may not have been technically single, but you were at least done with the relationship with Rick in your own mind. After all, you made sure Rick knew that the very next day! It’s not like you could’ve called him up to tell him without severely breaking the mood!
[Nope. Take that secret to the grave. Don’t tell him. What does your relationship have to gain by telling him something like that? I know others wil disagree but it’s not like you were married or living with guy number one, just dating, and as soon as it happened you broke things off. And next time, break up with guy number one before sleeping with guy number two (not that you would ever do that again, right?)
[I don’t know if I consider what you did cheating since the relationship was over and it was a matter of ending it. However, on the guy’s end he figured you two were still together, so maybe it is cheating. I’m kind of on the fence about this one, big time!! I think in this situation, I would not say anything but I also might not be feeling guilty about it. Since you ARE feeling guilty, you might have to say something. The call is yours. If you are going to lose sleep over it, then you will have to say something and it’s better to say it now then let more time pass.
[I agree with everyone else. Tell mike. I’m not suggesting that, as you are sitting down for dinner say “oh, by the way sweetie, i have something to tell you…”. Use tact obviously. I would try to see if the beginning of your relationship comes up in the next few days (or even weeks if you can manage to hold it in), or start the conversation. Talk about what first attracted you to him, how funny it is to go from innocent friendship to a 4 year relationship (same thing here, just not as long). And say something along the lines of “I really wish i’d broken up with Rick sooner. I should have known i was falling for you.” And if he asks why you didnt bring it up sooner, be truthful. You didnt know how, wasnt sure if it mattered, but you feel it was best to admit it, since now that you may both be running into Rick, you wanted him to hear it from you and not from anyone else, because you dont want to lose his trust. At least, IF those are all true statements. Start the conversation, or if he does, go with it. Then be 100% honest. You obviously had feelings for Mike, even if you didnt realize it at the time, and maybe you broke up with Rick because you slept with someone else, but, if you’ve been in the relationship for over 4 years, you also broke up with him to be with Mike. You made a mistake. The mistake was NOT that you slept with your current honey, the mistake was not realizing how you felt about him soon enough to end the relationship with Rick before things got too serious. No matter how much he hates cheaters, i think there is a point when, if THEY are the other guy and it turns into something so wonderful, it really must have been for the best and meant to be. If sleeping with friends and cheating was not something you normally indulged in, that made him a special case. He might be upset at first, but i’m guessing it would simply be the amount of time you let pass before bringing it up, not the act itself. Have strength and confidence. Like everyone else, i highly doubt it will be a deal breaker. And he’ll probably appreciate you telling him the truth and think more highly of you. I know Babe would if i were you.
[I think you shouldn’t tell. Do you feel so guilty you need to tell him? Go to confession. Donate to charity. Enroll in a work-release program. Do some chain-gang work.
Here’s the kicker: you’re only thinking of you right now, instead of 1) him and 2) the two of you.
[Man, I’ve been pondering how to respond to this, and I still don’t have a good answer. Interestingly, something that a friend of mine posted on Facebook yesterday in regards to Rush Limbaugh seems applicable here:
“There is a big difference between being repentant because you regret the impact your actions have had on others and being repentant because you are now experiencing the consequences of those actions.”
It seems to me that a big part of your decision hinges on whether or not you will experience the consequences of your past actions. Obviously, if there’s a chance that Mike will find out now because of Rick hanging around, then I think you have to tell him. Otherwise, the consequences could be pretty heinous.
But, if you could somehow ensure that Mike will *never* find out through Rick… I don’t know. I just don’t know.
[Tell him. This can only do more damage the longer you hang onto it. He may be pissed off or even decide it’s over, but I think you owe him the truth in any case.