When I was 22, I was dating a 24 year old who one night came home and casually announced that she played a “fun and innocent…you know!” game of spin the bottle with some friends and acquaintances earlier in the evening. Somewhat perplexed by her tone I asked her what she meant.
She looked a little confused and said , “Oh, it’s this game where you sit in a circle and…”
I respectfully interrupted her and assured her that I was well aware of how the game was played, as I had once been 13 years old myself, though not 24. So I clarified, “I’m asking if you kissed someone tonight?”
She laughed, “Of course babe, that’s how you play the game…duh!” (Verbatim) And with that she plonked herself in front of the TV.
Not wanting to ruin her viewing experience, I sidled up behind her and asked in as non obtrusive way as a I could, “Um, did you just admit to cheating on me?”
There was a brief silence and then the TV switched off and she turned around and said “What the hell are you talking about?”
And so began one of the most bizarre conversations I’ve ever had in my life. Essentially, in her sphere of existence, making out (yes, it was more than just a peck on the lips, though that shouldn’t really matter) with 2 guys and a girl within the context of a game of spin the bottle in no way constituted a breach of trust and in my sphere of existence it very much did. I would like to say that the relationship ended that night but it didn’t. I was 22 and smitten, and she was…well, you know how it sometimes goes. But though the relationship didn’t end right then, my confidence was shaken, both in terms of her and in myself and my understanding of the universe. Yup, she had somewhat convinced me that I was crazy for feeling the way I did and when we did finally break up it stuck with me.
Now maybe some/most of you are reading this and are in complete agreement with her, fair enough, but the reason for my long winded intro is this.
About 3 months ago my now ex girlfriend started sobbing as we were watching a movie one night…and confessed that she had slept with someone else. There were no excuses, no blame games…simply a beautiful woman asking for forgiveness. I gave it (not instantaneously) but couldn’t stay in the relationship. And though she never tried to excuse what had happened every time she tried to explain that it didn’t mean anything I couldn’t bear to hear it. I’d let her talk but inside I felt like my world was crumbling and I was falling down a hole. I quite literally had that feeling you get on a rollercoaster when it drops.
I apologised for anything I did that contributed to her doing it because I know there are always two sides of a story. She told me I didn’t do anything, it was just a drunken moment…etc. I want to believe her.
My question is, can one forgive and forget? Or should one? Am I crazy for not being able to see past it? Hell, I miss her.
LemonVibe 
[Ugh. I think that’s admirable that you apologized for anything you might’ve done, but… come on, what could you possibly have done that would excuse her cheating on you? Did you cheat on *her*? Short of that (and even then, you could invoke the “two wrongs don’t make a right” argument), I can’t imagine what could possibly make her behavior excusable.
Honestly, it sounds to me like she knew she had you wrapped around her finger, and she was kind of taking advantage of that–definitely not a good position for you to be in.
One thing you didn’t mention is how long ago all of this happened? One year? Two years? Three years? The reason I ask is that it takes a looooong time to get over an attachment to someone. And it seems pretty clear to me that you haven’t gotten over her, which is only going to cloud your judgment.
So, try this: let’s say a buddy of yours came up to you and told you the exact story that you just shared with us. Would you recommend that your buddy forgive his girlfriend? Would you recommend that he let her go? Maybe if you look at the situation from this perspective, you’ll be able to make a more objective decision.
[It is possible to forgive, but you’ll never forget. Every time you look at her, it’s what you’re going to think about. You can try to push it away, but you’re going to grow to resent her. She messed up… there’s no getting around that. You didn’t “do anything” to contribute to this, and I’m a little shocked you even thought to apologize!
You need to move on, and it’s tough. It’s going to suck. But this woman will walk all over you if you let her… so just let her walk away.
[Man. My stomach hurts for you. I’ve been in this position, and I know what it feels like to want so badly to make it work…even when there is a part of you deep down inside that knows you should walk away. I know that roller-coaster-stomach-drop feeling all too well. The worst part of trying to stick it out was that it changed me, and how I felt about myself. I wanted to believe that it would never happen again, but I was constantly on guard, and I became a better spy than anyone the FBI could have provided. I kept wondering what I did wrong and thinking that all future relationships would end similarly since there is clearly something wrong with me.
The fact that you apologized for your role in her cheating reminds me of my own situation. I know when you’re “in it” it’s next to impossible to see the “forest from the trees” so-to-speak. But just know that you played no role in her cheating. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her and whatever issues she’s got going on within herself. The best (and maybe hardest) thing you can do for yourself is to walk away…it will take time, but in the end, you’ll be glad you did. You deserve better.
[You’re absolutely right. She cheated on you. “Innocent” game or not, she kissed other people without your permission, and if those were the relationship rules you had agreed upon (silently or verbally) then she broke those rules and your trust.
I’ve played spin the bottle. With my boyfriend present, also playing, and playing with mutual friends who were definitely 100% platonic. It wasn’t considered cheating because we were both doing it and we had agreed that it was just a game.
In your case, you had no warning, you had no say, your girlfriend just did this without asking or telling you, and the fact that you think it’s a problem means that it is. Regardless of how she views it and how your relationship has been in the past, if YOU think it’s a problem, she should respect that.
About your final question. Forgiving her is one thing, but you will never every forget what she did to you. Cheating is a huge issue. You will never forget the way it made you feel to find out she cheated. Every time you see her talking to another man you will worry. You’ll be jealous and suspicious forever. She’s ruined your trust, and relationships with no trust can’t work. You miss her because you were hurt. You deserve to be treated better than she treated you. You deserve someone who respects you, and she clearly didn’t. You can forgive her, but getting back together just because you miss her and are lonely and she’s beautiful… That’s a huge mistake.
[Are yo crazy for not being able to see past it? Not even close.
It’s hard for me to say which situation was worse. The first girl only made out with someone, but it was still cheating, and she just threw it in your face like you were stupid for being upset about it. That’s neither fair, nor how a relationship should work.
The second girl acted very differently after the act, but the act was actually sleeping with someone else. I’ll share my personal experience with this one. In my sophomore year of high school, I had the first girlfriend that I was sexually active with. I LOVED her. Or thought I did anyway.
About six months into our relationship, she told me that she had slept with someone else (because I had caught her in several lies), and I was young and naive. I apologized for whatever I had done wrong to drive her away, and I forgave her. She promised to never do it again.
After we eventually broke up, I found out (from friends I trusted and such) that not only was the time she admitted to not the first time she’d cheated on me, but she had been cheating on me the entire time, before and after.
Now, I’m not saying the girl you’re talking about would do this, but let me ask: If she were, how would you ever know? Man, once that trust has been broken it’s hard to repair, and it’s hard to not wonder and question everything she does. Better to break it off than go down that road in my opinion. Take it from someone who’s already walked that road.
[Thank you all for your responses. I should clarify that I am referring to two different women here. Sorry if that’s unclear, my communication skills need refining! I just told the first story to give you some perspective about how I felt after that experience…it’s funny to be made to feel like you’re being completely unreasonable when you feel that something that something is deeply wrong. It shook my confidence in my ability to be rational and reasonable. I was accused of being possessive and excessively jealous etc. And it has stuck with me. I guess I just want to feel I’ve made the right call.
@Dennis, it’s been 5 years since that particular experience…I’m not in contact with her anymore, though not out of spite. We just drifted apart after the break up. In regards to my current situation, it’s been about 3 months since we broke up. I apologised for my contribution to what happened because I know I’m not an angel. No, I never cheated on her and can’t even imagine ever really being tempted to either. But, I could be neglectful at times and other basic relationship things. E.g not fully paying attention when she was talking about her day at work, forgetting to pick up something she asked for at the shops etc. I played my part I’m sure.
@Erica, just to clarify; I don’t deny at all that I’m lonely and that clouds my judgement. But just incase it came across as such, I don’t miss her because she’s beautiful…she just was shockingly beautiful in that moment…maybe I was already seeing what I was losing.
Thanks again for all your thoughts.
[Thanks for the advice & thoughts people.
[First off…I’m a bit confused. Is this the same person? I’m getting that these aren’t two different stories, but I wanted to double check. (Not sure if the anonymous commenting is in place, so you can edit your blurb.)
The first case was hard to deal with for you because she was so flippant about your feelings. Because you didn’t hash out what you considered cheating was before the incident, did you feel that you didn’t have a right to get angry with her? You are NOT crazy for feeling wronged. What coupled up person plays spin the bottle at age 24 and thinks their partner won’t mind if they make out with someone else? I repeat: It was not unreasonable AT ALL to feel the way you did.
That said, whether you can forgive or forget in your current relationship is entirely up to you. None of us know what your relationship is really like, if your girlfriend made a one-time terrible mistake or she’s a pathological liar. And even if she’s earnest in her remorse, it doesn’t mean you’re wrong for ending things.
You have to weigh a lot of factors in deciding whether to keep a relationship going after something like that, and even if you did, you could find that you aren’t emotionally able to continue on. “Am I crazy for not being able to see past it?” No, that’s something that a lot of people (as evidenced by the comments) would find a dealbreaker.
And why would you choose to continue your relationship? The fact that you said you’re lonely and she’s beautiful aren’t the best factors. How was your relationship before this? How long have you been together? Is she taking responsibility for her actions? If you chose to forgive her you would have a long, hard road to repairing the trust between you. And do you think it would be worth it to try, with the opportunity cost that will come with it? Your intuition will really tell you what’s best.
[You hit it on the head with “Forgive AND Forget”. First, Forgive Her as a gift to yourself. You will never get closure without forgiveness. Forgiving someone does not in any way mean “what you did was okay” or “I admit I was wrong too.” or even “I’m going to forget what you did”. It simply means that you’re not going to feel resentment about it anymore. Once you forgive, you are already on your way to forgetting. Don’t forget her good qualities or the things that made her special to you, and to the same degree, don’t forget how inconsiderate she was and that she cheated on you. After all, if you forget too much, you’ll end up making the same mistakes over and over again!
When things like this happen in life, we get psychologically wounded. It changes our expectations of other people (it lowers them) and it takes away a precious bit of whatever faith we had in humanity. The only real good thing about the wound is that it gives you something to talk about, and show to others. So, next time you’re on a date with a new girl and you’re trying to fill that awkward silence as you wait for your food to arrive, take that opportunity to show off your wound… and if she says, “Really… that’s all she did to you?” RUN!!!!!!!!! 🙂
[There are times i believe that it can be forgiven. Drunkenness is NOT one of them. If you had, lets say, deploy to Afghanistan for a tour, AND she talked to you about having a physical relationship before doing so, AND you were okay with it, then it would be okay, as long as you were not agreeing because you didnt want to lose her. I had an ex who, when he thought he was being redeployed to Iraq, told me that since he’d be gone for 9-15 months (dont remember how long) he was okay with me sleeping with other people, BUT if i started having feelings for someone, I would have to stop. I was disgusted, fully completely 100%. Then i learned that a lot of (not all) non-married military people make these kinds of agreements with their girlfriends/boyfriends since its a long time, and people have needs. He ended up not going due to health issues, and we broke up not long after, but apart from pre-agreed (Like Erica’s spin-the-bottle example) indiscretions, cheating is a deal breaker. You lose trust, and never regain it. If you are married and have kids, or have been together for 15+ years and it was only an issue once, then maybe doing relationship counciling to help get past the issue would be a good course of action, but for any relationship (in my opinion) shorter than 5 years, it is not worth fixing. If you cheat (kissing, sex, even emotional cheating) when you’ve only been together a short time (and although i’m less than 3.5 yrs into mine, 5 years is still a short time) and someone is tempted out of the relationship, then there is an issue with one side of the relationship, normally the cheater. And their is no fixing that. But, thats just my opinion.
[I know you’re getting a lot of “forgive but don’t forget” advice and I agree.
I disagree, however, that a relationship needs to be completely over because the trust was broken. We don’t know anybody that we trust 100% right off the bat. It’s earned, right? We don’t know the whole details of your relationship outside of what you’ve given, so I couldn’t tell you that you can learn to trust her again. But my point is if both parties are still willing and able to work on it, you can slowly get it back. You have to work on it and if you can’t believe that you’ll be able to get it back you might as well not bother. But if feel it can be earned back then it probably can.
Some of us were given second chances for one thing or another.
[Isn’t everyone different on this issue? Some think a roving eye is enough of a cheat to warrant a break up, some an innocent kiss, some can forgive sex as long as there was no emotional love involved. Sounds to me like your deal breaker has been broken and no matter what your trust has been lost. Doesnt sound like you will live happily ever after with this girl, so give it time. And yes, it could take years.
[You sound like such a sweet guy! A girl will be lucky to have you. Girls sometimes know they have power over a guy, and they abuse it. And it sounds like she abused it big time. You are better than that. You WILL find someone who loves and respects you and won’t abuse thier power. That is a great relationship, and don’t you deserve that? Of course you will mourn her for a while, and that is normal. But truthfully, while you can forgive her, you won’t forget and you shouldn’t! She hurt you big time and it’s not worth putting any more effort in to. You don’t need a girl who disrespects you and then plays with your heart and your mind. Move on. She isn’t worth any more heartbreak. If you continued on with her, you know it would only be a matter of time before this happened again, and you would just re-live the drama. Hold out for someone else.
[I’m not sure if the spin-the-bottle incident constitutes cheating. I personally can’t fathom that kissing someone else is acceptable, but some people do believe that. She was so casual about the whole thing that I’m guessing she had a different understanding of what your relationship rules were. I’m wondering if you ever sat down and established ground rules about what boundaries you’re both comfortable with. This doesn’t help you at all for moving past your feelings now, but it can certainly help keep it from happening again.
[You set boundaries in relationships either explicitly or implicitly. Both people should be on the same page. You can forgive the more recent lady for her transgression but will you forget? Will your confidence in the relationship hold up when she is out of town or out with her friends? I’m not the kind of guy who would want to live that way, but I also know men and women who can simple let these things go. “What kind of person are you?”, is now what you have to ask yourself. The tone of your post makes you sound a bit like me, sensitive to types of betrayals of trust.
Also, the spin the bottle incident was cheating, in your eyes at least. Unless there was a “spin the bottle” clause she broke your trust, callously it sounds like.
[Only you can decide what you’ll put up with. If you feel these girls cheated on you (which I agree), can you get over it and move on? If not, then breaking up is the only option. When my last boyfriend dumped me, I did have sex with other men. But it was never when we were in a relationship. So it technically wasn’t cheating – especially since he dumped me via text message and wouldn’t even talk to me on the phone. He later left me for his X-girlfriend then said she spent the night, but they didn’t cheat. He kept talking to her. I didn’t mind that, as I keep in touch with my Xes. Nonetheless, you should move on if it bothers you that much. There’s no use being unhappy. Life’s too short, and there are plenty of other fish in the sea.