Yup… one of those. But seriously, it’s not as bad as you think.
My bf and I have been together for 4 years… we’ve been planning on marriage for 3 (including him saving for the ring)… we’ve own a house together for 1.5. Needless to say, we’re in this for the long haul. I’ve started to put a little pressure on him about the marriage thing lately, though… for a couple of reasons.
1. If I were to get hit by a bus, Q would get half the house, and my mother would get the mortgage… for a variety of reasons. Now, Q is not the kind of guy to shirk his responsibilities, but it would still cause some problems.
and 2. I want kids, and I’m RAPIDLY approaching 30. My parents had me and my brother when they were VERY young, and I like that now… Q’s parents had him and his sister in their mid-30’s, so he thinks that’s more the norm. However, I REALLY don’t want to wait that long… again, for a variety of reasons.
So… I have told him that he has until my birthday (May 8th… I now expect lots of gifts!) to propose. Or else I’m flying us to Vegas and we’re getting it done… one way or another.
However, he says he’s about $600 from the ring that he’s been wanting to propose with for a long time. So I guess my question is should I wait? Should I fold my hand? Knowing that he’s been saving for 3 years… and still hasn’t reached what I consider a VERY meager goal. Or should I just insist that we go get married and start the rest of our freaking lives?
ETA: He’s the one that insists on the ring. Not me. He’s the one that insists on the proposal, the formality, the wedding. I would be happy at the courthouse.
He’s also the one that wants us to be married before we decide to have kids. So HE’s the one holding up the works.
No, I don’t care about his SAVINGS. Read again… he’s picked out the ring, it’s REALLY not expensive, and he’s not there after 3 years… so I’m wondering if he ever will be.
LemonVibe 
[Wow this is difficult. As someone who basically gave an ultimatum herself- I said, ‘I think we’ll know by X point if we want to be together forever and if you don’t know by then, I’m going to continue in my search for the person who does know’, I really don’t feel bad about ultimatums if they’re put correctly. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to not want to waste your time, either. You both already know you want to be married, right now it’s just a matter of timing. Have you talked to him about how long it would take to come up with that money? Has he considered financing the ring? Is he willing to give some things up so that he can be there faster? If I was you, I’d have a heart to heart with him about whether or not he’s dragging his feet or what his game plan is.
[As a divorcee, I can confidently tell you that being married isn’t anything special. If you have a good thing going now, putting pressure on the relationship is NOT going to make anything better. You may also want to reexamine your priorities in life if you are looking down on his “VERY meager” savings. If you are looking to procreate rapidly, are you really going to stress about how much he spends on a ring?
Newsflash: your “freaking lives” have started. If I were Q, I’d be stalling the ring savings to try and find a way to extricate myself from this person who wants to marry me not because we are happy together, but rather so she can have babies and prevent her mother from owing half the mortgage.
Good luck whatever happens!
[I’ve never been a fan of ultimatums and likely never will be. Just the word itself “ultimatum” gives me an extremely bitter taste in my mouth. So after reading the blurb subject heading I’m already battling my urges to be extremely negative and blunt.
But I’ll try to remain objective.
It’s obvious the two of you have very different backgrounds and environments when growing up. His is more traditional where he wants to give you a nice ring (what he considers nice, and you consider *cough* meager), a nice wedding and so on.
Your motivations seem to be a lot less than that and they are difficult to pin point. Why do you want to marry him so badly, and so quickly? I don’t think it’s because of either the biological clock or the hand of god striking you down.
What’s the rush? The way to explain everything it sounds like you’re in a race and it you don’t reach the finish line soon the world will end. It’s $600 and/or a little more than 3 months from your ‘cut-off’ date. So even if he does propose by then…how long of an engagement will there be?
How many discussions have the two of you had regarding what you (both) want for getting married? Do you have a clear picture on what he’d like? Does he have a clear idea what you’d like? If so, then compromise.
If there haven’t been many conversation about this…well…I think it’s time you had some.
It sounds like the two of you want very different things out of a proposal and marriage.
[I’ve never been a fan of ultimatums… I think it causes resentment and potential spiteful behavior. But then I’ve never been in a situation where this type of ultimatum is a viable option.
It seems to me that his intentions are honorable, you love each other, and for all intents and purposes have a complete life together. I understand wanting the ring on your finger before trying to have babies, and that’s perfectly fine of course.
My (unprofessional) opinion is that you are not yet 30, and still quite young. He is aware of this May date looming, so I’d play it by ear and see what happens. You don’t say anything about his finances, but perhaps it HAS been a struggle to save. If he has a clear idea of exactly what he wants for you, you’ll be hard put to sway him otherwise. Ride it out a bit longer, then revisit this whole marriage situation some time after this deadline you have imposed.
The thing is, you say YOU don’t care about this or that, or having the fancy ring and wedding and the whole shebang. But clearly, HE does care. A wedding is about the both of you, and having a bit more compassion for HIS desires would be totally appropriate here.
[I think maybe “ULTIMATUM” is the wrong word here.
[What a toughie. It seems like you’ve hashed everything out as well as you could. I know a couple who got a small diamond just because they wanted to get married and then her husband ‘upgraded’ her later because he had the money to get her the ring he wanted originally. Would Q be okay with something like that? I think you should bring up financing because this couple ended up financing their second diamond. If he has ALMOST enough money for the ring, then financing shouldn’t be a big deal. He sounds well-meaning but probably doesn’t realize how hard this is for you to have no control over your timeline.
[So are you admitting that you posted this, Res? Because you made it pretty obvious to the people who know you…. 😉
Anyhoo, knowing you and your situation, I’m sympathetic to what you’re saying. But (as you pointed out), I think Parker is absolutely correct that using the word “ultimatum” doesn’t actually paint you in a, well, rational light.
If you can absolutely rule out that Q isn’t using all of the reasons he gives as an excuse to delay proposing, then I honestly think you just have to give him time. Or, maybe you have to talk it out and come to a good compromise (i.e., buy a slightly cheaper ring, not set a date but at least establish a timeline, etc.).
[It just sounds like the two of you really aren’t on the same page about getting married and what that means/entails. I don’t think it’s necessarily a good sign that he knows how you feel about it all and he’s still insistent on doing it 100% his way regardless. And while I realize that people make different amounts of money and have different savings plans, over three years seems like an awfully long time to be saving for a ring, especially when he knows how you feel.
What are you really willing to do if he doesn’t propose by your birthday? You seem to realize you can’t really force him to propose, and you can’t really force him to get on a plane either… so what’s your plan? Propose or else… what? Does it mean enough to you that you’re willing to leave him? Does he know that?
This is not an easy conversation to have with yourself (or anyone else for that matter) and I hope things work out for the best for you.
[It sounds as if you guys are engaged but skipped the bended knee proposal bit. What I mean is, you’ve talked about it, have a rough plan, live together and are just waiting on that one part. You should absolutely have a conversation on your birthday if it hasn’t happened, that’s your right. But does it have to go as far as ending it?
If the ring part is that important to him as important as the marriage status (for the reasons you’ve stated) is to you, I can’t help but feel there’s a compromise somewhere. Maybe you pick a wedding date and plan it anyway, giving him an extension up until the wedding date.
Do have the talk though. You have to.