If someone lied in their online dating profile and then you found out about it after you went out with them, how much of an issue would this be? For example, my boyfriend said he was single in his profile, but on our first date he admitted that he was divorced. He said he put that he was single because he didn’t think many women would want to date a divorced guy. I let him know that I was disappointed in his lie and he felt bad about it, and after our first date he changed his online profile status to divorced. We ended up continuing to date, because I liked him and wanted to see him again, so it was something I overlooked. I know it could’ve been a sign that he would continue to lie to me, but luckily as far as I know, he hasn’t, and we have a very trusting relationship. And I can understand being embarrassed/not wanting to admit about being divorced, although you might as well just admit it in your profile because you’ll have to tell your date at some point.
Would you have overlooked it like I did? Would you have said “Sorry, you lied, see ya?” What if someone lied about whether they had kids? About their job? I know there are varying levels of lies and how serious they are, but basically would you tolerate any lying at all, or not?
How about lies of omission? I know someone who went out with a girl he met online, and she had part of her arm amputated, which he did not know beforehand. Is that something that should be displayed in at least one of her photos, so that the guy isn’t totally surprised when he shows up for a date with her? Or is it okay to not show it at all, so that a guy doesn’t think “I don’t want to date a girl with some sort of handicap”?
How about when someone shows photos of themselves from years ago when they were much younger/thinner/totally different hair color and style/had no tattoos and now they have a bunch? When they don’t look like their picture, is that lying in a way?
LemonVibe 
[Oooh, good question. I think with this one, you definitely have to take it on a case-by-case basis, but generally speaking, I’d say it depends on both the intent and the magnitude of the lie.
To me, the difference between “single” and “divorced” is pretty minor. I’ve dated plenty of women who listed themselves as “single,” but then revealed (on the first date) that they were divorced. Not a big deal to me, and I totally understand.
Now, if the person is actually still married, but separated… well, then that gets a little sketchier. Again, depending on the exact situation, I can imagine why someone might make this lie. But I’d definitely be a little more hesitant to get involved with such a person.
Kids, I think are also a bigger deal. If someone lists themselves has having no children, but then reveal that they do… well, I’m wondering what their issue is. If they just don’t mention having kids on their profile… meh, I think I’d be more willing to overlook that.
Height and weight… this one I’ve seen so much that it doesn’t even surprise me anymore. For women, I’d say that a lot of them will either post photos where they’re at least 30 pounds lighter or lie about their body type. For men, I’ve heard that a lot will list themselves as at least three inches taller. I think it’s silly, I think it reveals some deep insecurities, but again, it’s one of those lies that happen so much that I kinda stopped caring a while ago.
Jobs… meh, well. Come on, who doesn’t exaggerate on their job? As long as it’s not an outright lie, I really don’t care.
Handicaps… ooh, that’s a tough one. I dated a girl briefly who had a walking impediment. Not super severe, but definitely enough that I, as someone who maintains a *very* active lifestyle, honestly couldn’t get over it. Would I have preferred that she mentioned something on her profile? Sure, because it would’ve saved us both a lot of time and effort. But then again… how do you go about revealing that on a profile without having it come across as super-awkward? I dunno. That’s the one area where it could potentially be a big deal, but I also don’t know how you could broach that topic on a profile without pretty much killing your chances of meeting anyone. Hey, people are shallow like that.
[Online profiles are pretty much you selling yourself, it’s kind of counter productive to not promote the best version of yourself possible.
There’s a reason I chose a picture of myself in a nice suit for this profile picture instead of one of the dozens of me half drunk or looking like I’m being violated by a ghost. First impressions count, even online. I completely understand wanting to show yourself looking your best.
That’s about where I’d draw the line though, since everything other than the picture is you taking the other persons word for it. A picture can make you look better, but it’s at least still you. Out right lying, without a good reason, like Dennis said, hints at insecurities that need to be addressed.
However, the severity of the lie means you’d have to take it on a case by case basis.
[Sadly, most forums (and even blogs) you read about the percentage between truth and lies on online dating profiles is incredibly jaded.
Most people are going to view an online profile looking for lies and/or expecting them.
Do I condone deliberate lies on a profile? Heck no. As Karlos said above, you are trying to sell yourself so obviously you don’t want to draw attention to your flaws. But the thing you should remember is that EVERYONE has flaws. No one is perfect. But you don’t have to come clean and air your laundry on your profile. Delicately place a veil over it and when you’ve met the right person you can let some information start to become exposed.
Lying by omission is probably something I greatly detest. Not the act of it but that a lot of people put a lot of stock into to. Again, at what scale do you weigh this omission? Be careful with what you place in this category. I once dated a girl who basically called me a liar any time I left virtually any detail out of a story or answer I gave her.
Lying about former marital status? I don’t see that as too big of a deal. There are some people who would look at someone being divorced as a negative but until you know the particulars of the situation you can’t judge.
Kids? I do think you should list if you have kids. Some people want kids, other do not. So why waste the time for either party.
You example of someone missing an arm is great. I don’t think the person needs to have a picture of it, but they should definitely let a potential suitor know about it before meeting in person for the first time (which means, yes, you will need to have e-mailed with this person a couple of times).
Most people agree that this really depends on the severity of the lie. Saying you like running just because the other person does; but you haven’t gone running for fun in years = not a big deal. Saying you LOVE animals…but leave out the fact you like them better with a nice Chianti = big deal.
[See, I actually think “single” is a perfectly acceptable status for someone who has been divorced. Single means not attached, and open to a relationship. I don’t think “single” and “divorced” are mutually exclusive. I think in this particular case, you may have overreacted a bit.
He told you the real story on your FIRST date. So it’s not like he was trying to hide it, or lie about it.
Now regarding the other examples… I’ll be honest and say I’ve had zero experience with online dating. For the most part – you are going to know when a lie is a deal breaker. But I think lies of omission should be, as others said, taken on a case by case basis. If there is a serious physical disability, or something else that would cause the person to feel embarrassed, I think it’s smart to have a little compassion and realize that there was probably a very good reason for not mentioning these things up front. Basically, put yourself in their shoes: would you want to announce online to every potential suitor that you have a prosthetic leg? Of course not – while it’s not something to be ashamed about, it WILL very likely cause a person to feel a bit awkward… remember that these are people that are just looking for love – like you. Try to have some sympathy and understanding for these little omissions.
[I think it depends on the lie. I can see his side of the story–plenty of women (especially if he was on the younger side) might definitely pass on him if he told the truth. He wasn’t totally untruthful in that I think the usage of single equaling single, never married isn’t as popular nowadays as single = not in a relationship. And he told you the truth on the first date. I would give him a pass.
It’s when it’s “single…oh, but I’m really separated…yeah, the divorce papers will be signed really soon” that I’d be worried.
[Definitely a case-by-case basis. In this instance, your boyfriend didn’t technically lie – as someone pointed out above, he WAS single, he just didn’t specify having been married before. That in itself would make me proceed cautiously, but it wouldn’t be an automatic dealbreaker. Lying about having kids (or whether or not he or she WANTS kids), some communicable disease, or something like that would be dealbreakers for me.
[As a young divorcee and an experienced on-line dater, this question is right up my alley. While there is a definite negative stereotype associated with checking that divorced box, I believe it is important to be honest. That man is, in fact, divorced! While I am judged by others who do not know I put up with 3 affairs in 10 months before pulling the plug, I feel it is imperative to be honest from the gate. However, your fella did not appear to be deceptive about it, he just did not want to be stereo-typed as a silly person who did not take the “institution of marriage” seriously. So I would not hold it against him.
As for the lies of omission based on the physical stuff, WHY would anyone do this? My personal experience: I met this okay guy on-line. He looked fairly attractive in his pictures and had a personality that I thought might be better off-line. However, I arrive at the appointed venue for the date, and BOOM! He was a little person. Now, I am one of the least judgmental folks I know, and I would like to think that I would have gone on the date regardless of his stature. But I felt entirely deceived and spent the entire date in shock and wondering what else he might be hiding.
Don’t people want to date someone who thinks they are attractive in their current iteration rather than the version from 5 years ago? If I like your personality and you’re heavy, I’ll still like you. If I like your personality and you lie about being heavy, I’ll never give you a chance.
I feel blunt honesty is the best policy. But then that may be why I am single…
[“Single” and “Divorced” are pretty much the same thing in terms of “completely unattached”. It’s not unreasonable that a person chooses the best option of two things which are both true.
The trouble with lies of omission is lots of people do it because they’re worried about stuff affecting their chances….and they’re not necessarily wrong. Missing part of an arm is the same as profiles with only head shots. It doesn’t seem right to take a hardline stance against people who lack certain confidences.
[Single? Yes. Divorced? Yes. Which one sounds best, but is still honest? The former. I would overlook it. In fact, I don’t think I would have batted an eyelash. However, if he said he was still married when you two met, then I would have thrown my ice water at him and hauled butt out of there!! What he did was represent himself on a dating profile in the best light he could. Can’t blame him for that! Most of us can use any help we can get…it’s a tough dating world out there!
[I agree. It depends on the lie.
[The lie is only a problem if it bothers you.
If you don’t really care about the divorce, and you sound understanding of it, then is even the omission thar big of a deal?
[Lots of hot lies of omission would be deal breakers to potential browsers, ie recovering drug addict, paroled murderer, desires oral to anal sex and so on. The difference between divorced and single is blurry. A few decades ago a divorced woman was a social leper. By the time I was 25 I expected women to have quite a bit of sexual history. During the sexual revolution of the 70’s even married couples experimented with other partners. Lots of them had open marriages. Most of those wound up divorced. The massive quantity of on-line dating profiles invites omissions and inflated attributes. You’ve got read between the lines and IM or email to drag out details.
[I can understand why the guy lied about this particular subject.
I am on two online dating sites, eharmony and match. On eharmony, you can’t see the status of anyone’s profile you read. You’re just left to assume they are single. I think I recall a portion of the questionnaire about how you would feel about datng someone who had previously been married, but you can’t see it on the profile. On match, you can see it. I’ve always been honest and listed myself as “divorced” and I think on that particular site, that ONE subject really works against me. For two reasons
1. I’ve had a fair amount of luck with feedback on eharmony, not a huge amount, but a fair amount. At one point, just to cast a wide net, I had sent out about 80 emails to “matches” or people I thought would be interesting on Match. I recieved a response from maybe 1 or 2. Ok, so you’re probably saying, maybe my profile isn’t as well written as it should be, or my photos wouldnt attract a majority of the girls (I’m not ugly, but I’m sure as hell the least photogenic person I know. It’s a curse.) But I don’t think its that, I honestly think its –
2. For a vast majority of the profiles women fill out on that site, I have noticed that if NOTHING else, when filling out the section about what they’re looking for in someone, almost all of them mark the desired relationship status as “Never Married”. Even if body type, hobbies, work, smoke, drink, isnt filled out, they will usually specifically mark that they want someone who has never been married. I think this might be because it’s easier to assume, at first glance, that any divorce is probably the guy’s fault. Hell I know I do it when I look at the profile of a divorced woman. I dont even usually assume that it was anything the woman did, but I think its easy to look at a divorced guy as immediately undesireable. And I dont even get to make my case, I just get no response.
My divorce, although I may not have been the perfect boyfriend/husband, was simply not all my fault. We moved up to PA, she hated her job instantly, had unresolved issues with depression from the death of her father and she refused to seek professional help for anything because she didnt believe in that sort of thing. So I got blamed for everything that was wrong, the apartment, her job, her shitty day, every time she came home I was used as an emotional/verbal punching back. And that wasnt the worst of it, towards the end I found out she had been lying about staying late at work, and had actually been meeting up with a co-worker for dinner several times. She claims she never slept with him, but why would I believe her. I wanted to make it work, but she wasnt interested and there was nothing I could do.
Without getting to explain that, I think just being listed as divorced really does work against a guy in those online dating situations, but I’m just not comfortable with lying about it right off the bat. yet. If it reaches a point where i’m still not getting any response, I may test my theory, switch my status to single, and see if there is any increase in response. I could be wrong, but I wouldn’t be surprised if all of the sudden people started emailing me back. I would, of course, have to disclose it on the first date, but if that’s what it takes to ever get someone to respond to an email, it may be worth it eventually.