I have been married for 5 years and I am finding things a bit lacking with my wife when it comes to sex. I love her, she’s my best friend, but I am just not getting what I want in the bedroom.
I have tried to bring things up before and while she is open to talking about things, I don’t feel like she is hearing what I want. I want things a bit more adventurous than the average, and instead of getting a sex kitten, she is becoming more insecure in the bedroom.
Does anyone have any advice on how to bring up sex needs with your partner without it totally backfiring on you? I don’t want her to be less interested in sex than she already is because she feels criticized by me. Or do I just give up and not get what I want?
LemonVibe 
[It’s good that she is open to talking about things but it seems to me that there is obviously something wrong if she isn’t hearing what you want.
Maybe it’s how you’re presenting the topic? Or maybe it’s the items you actually talk about?
Have you told her that you don’t think she’s really grasping what you’re trying to get at? How clear have you made your needs to her? Most guys think they are perfectly transparent when in fact they never just up and say what they really want.
If she’s becoming more insecure you probably need to approach things lightly here first.
How’s the romance in your marriage?
Take advantage of Valentine’s Day and take things up a notch from what you would usually do. Pull a cliche’ Hollywood move and cover the bed with rose pedals. Or when was the last time the two of you took a break from “reality”? Get away from your lives for a night. Have a date night but instead of going home book a hotel room, pick up some wine and consider it a mini-getaway from your normal lives.
Pretend things are like they were when you first met. Talking late into the night. Laughing. Playing. Joking.
Perhaps something along those lines will bring a spark back to things and get the sex fuse burning.
[I would say she probably feels more insecure because she feels that your suggestion that your sex life is lacking = she is lacking. Or that you’re getting bored of her, etc. It’s a touchy subject for sure that can be taken very personally. I think you should definitely approach the subject with a light touch and reiterate that it’s NOT her. Say something like, “You know, I’m feeling like we’re getting in a rut so I was thinking about changing things up. How would you feel about doing [this]? What are some things you’d like me to get back to doing or try for the first time?”
Encourage her to open up too. When it becomes more of a dialogue between you two and less of you telling her what you’d like, I think you’ll be more successful. (Disclaimer: I’m not saying that you’re trying to call all the shots. Likely she’s really shy to begin with, but I think having her become a more active participant will help the both of you.) Like Parker said, bringing the romance and helping her feel more at ease with being more active will help you both. Good luck!
[Continuing to bring up your issues with her in the bedroom probably isn’t helping her sexual confidence. Women don’t like to hear their flaws, especially ones as important as sex. You definitely need to stop telling her about problems you have and needs that aren’t being met.
Are you not having enough sex? Or is it just that the sex you’re having isn’t fulfilling?
The best way to get her to do more of what you want in bed is to compliment what she does do, and try to incorporate new things without asking. Instead of requesting to try a new position, grab her, throw her down and take her how you want. A lot of women would prefer the man take charge anyway. Also, compliment her body, Tell her she feels good. If you want your wife to be more into sex, you have to be more into her. You have to make her feel good about herself, not worse.
[TOTALLY agree with all of the above. Focus more on what you do like about what she’s doing when you are having sex. One of my ex-boyfriends was obsessed with lingerie. Obsessed. Everytime I would wear a sexy new something, he was like, “What about if you add some thigh-highs, heels, etc.” Not, “Wow – you look hot in that.” Really?? My Victoria’s Secret visits soon after plummeted. I’m sure you’re getting my point…make sure her efforts don’t go unappreciated. Give her positive feedback – it will make her feel sexy and more confident, and with that, more open to trying new things.
Definitely take Erica’s advice above regarding less talking about it, and more going for it. She’ll feel less timid if you lead by example. I think that discussing rather than doing might make her feel like you’re putting it in her court to make the first move.
[Are you engaging in foreplay outside of the bedroom? Is she turned on before you hop on the bed, or are you just springing this on her? “*SPROING* Honey! Wait, why are you leaving? No, we’re not out of toilet paper right now. Come back! Please? Sigh”
[Give and ye shall receive.
Or so they say. 😉
[There is something bigger going on here than just you not having your needs met. Don’t give up on having them met, but before you can expect to get anything, you are going to have to do some work on the relationship. Generally speaking, women don’t “put out” unless they are satisfied in the relationship. And by satisfied, I mean mentally and physically. So, you will need to find out what is going on there first. Another reason a woman might not want to have sex is due to a lack of confidence, but I find that a lot of times this stems from something lacking in the relationship, so back to that first thing…the relationship! It’s not a lost cause by any means. Think about what was going on in your relationship at the beginning. It was working then and you were satisfied, so I suggest beginning at, well, the beginning!