I met my (now, ex) boyfriend on eharmony last year. At the time I was apprehensive of getting into anything serious and was completely upfront with him about that. He (we’ll call him Alan) was really understanding, and that in itself made it a little more comfortable for me to let my guard down with him.
About a month later he sprung the exclusivity discussion and we agreed to date only each other. Alan and I spent the majority of our time over the next four months, together. He was really attentive and thoughtful (sending flowers regularly, opening doors, taking care of me when I was sick, etc.). I then met the parents, and we really got along well. It had then been six months, and I was totally falling for this guy.
Now, I’ve always been kind of shy about putting my feelings out there for fear of rejection (I know…get over it). So…I got over it. I told Alan that I was in love with him.
He then told me that he did not feel the same way and that he might not ever feel the same way. Followed with “what does ‘love’ mean, anyway?” He said he had “issues” that he needed to work through before he could be in a relationship. And then…he left. This was literally a 3 minute conversation.
WTF happened? I was totally blindsided. I’ve moved on and am completely over said relationship, but am still scratching my head. Please…lay it on me. Should I have seen this coming?
LemonVibe 
[I would probably be asking myself the same thing….WTF happened?! But, the truth is, you probably will never know. Hey, that’s okay. It could be that the thought of you dating other people really freaked him out, so he decided that exclusivity was a better option, even though maybe he wasn’t ready for it. Or, it could be that the relationship ran it’s course. Whatever the reason, you did the right thing by putting your heart out there. The fact that he dropped his ball is totally his loss…in my totally professional opinion 😉
[I’m sorry you had to go through that, Missy, that sounds like a rough situation. From what you’ve described, it doesn’t sound like you should’ve seen this coming at all. Were there any red flags that you noticed along the way? For example, was he ready and willing to meet your parents, or did you have to convince him to go?
It doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong. He was in a relationship with you, or so it seemed (since you agreed to be exclusive) and met your parents and spent so much time together. So if he had issues he needed to work out before being in a relationship, well, he was in one, and he shouldn’t have committed to you if he had these so-called issues. I don’t know exactly what he was thinking, as I’m sure you don’t either. But I don’t think this is something you should’ve expected or seen coming, unless there were other red flags you didn’t mention above.
[Oh, man, I’ve been in your shoes. I once dated a guy who told me (as he was dumping me), “Love has its conditions.” Which was total BS, and it was really just his way of trying to distance himself from the situation and take a cowardly way out.
You didn’t do anything wrong. What he did was messed up. Is it possible he has some kind of mental illness? I ask this because the guy I mentioned above had (uncontrolled) bipolar disorder, among other things, and it caused him to get into situations he didn’t think all the way through quite often, including wanting to be exclusive pretty much from the get-go with me, introducing me to his family, and then arbitrarily deciding he didn’t want to date me anymore, leaving me totally bewildered. Not that it’s an excuse, but it could help explain Alan’s behavior.
[I had a whole response typed out about how you told him you didn’t want anything serious and he took you at your word, and then I re-read the blurb and saw that he initiated the exclusivity talk. Which throws that theory out the window. But then, maybe for him it didn’t – I don’t know how, but maybe it made sense to him that you could be exclusive but not serious? Bottom line, I don’t think you did anything “wrong” and I don’t see how you could see it coming.
[You waited 6 months, you told him how you felt. You did nothing at all wrong. Except for perhaps not broaching the subject earlier. I think it’s important to at least share the minimal expectations for a relationship BEFORE you get to the I-Love-You stage.
He was sort of dishonest with you regarding his availability…
[The first time I read this, I took your “apprehensive about anything serious” line to mean that you weren’t looking for something serious. I wonder if he took it to mean the same (although I’m assuming you probably clarified it better in an actual conversation)?
Regardless, the guy sounds like he didn’t know what the hell he wanted. His actions spoke serious relationship, his crazy attitude spoke I’m terrified and have no idea what I’m looking for. I don’t think you did anything wrong, but these situations definitely suck. Hopefully this doesn’t make you even more apprehensive about serious relationships.
[What? What type of guy is super thoughtful, introduces you to his parents and all knowing full well that he has tons of issues to work through before being in a relationship?
I can’t say I see where you messed up. I mean, in hindsight, did he pull away at the last moment? Refer to you not as his girlfriend? I’m trying to figure this out, too, because it doesn’t make much sense.
However, my personal philosophy is that sometimes we waste time in situations trying to apply logic to people who don’t have it.
[“Should I have seen this coming?”
Without knowing more details about your relationship with your ex, there’s no way for us to know that. But, it really doesn’t make a difference since it’s not going to change what happened or explain why he left like that. It’s unfortunate that it turned out that way, and I hope that you’ve truly moved on and realize that not all men are going to behave like that.
[I understand trying to find a legitimate reason for the way your ex handled this situation. But honestly, it makes no sense and it’s not worth the effort to try and figure it out. You’ll probably never know what really happened… I mean, he should have brought these things up when you had your exclusivity discussion.
You say you’re over the ex – so BE over the ex, and forget trying to analyze this. You also say you’ve “moved on” – does that mean you’re with someone new? If so, you owe it to this new guy to not spend any more time in your head thinking about your ex.
[“What does love mean, anyway.”
God, I love people like this. Pretending to be all philosophical and shit. “What IS love? What is LOVE? WHAT is love, man? I feel like to know love is to know….life. You know, man? Like, all our energies combining to harmonize with…with the wind. And love, really, when you think about it, can only exist if we all love each other. Right? I mean, it’s obvious. So, I feel like I need to discover the meaning of love, the meaning of life, before I can fully commit myself to a total state of peacefulness and love, let alone commit myself to loving one creature. If that’s even possible. And…and…woah, look at that cloud. Is it me, or does that look like a total representation of the corrupt influence corporate greed has on our country? It does, right?” Fuck off.
You’re better off without that unstableness.
[Thank you everyone…I really appreciate all of your comments. Yeah, I agree that it’s not a situation that anyone will be able to fully analyze without reading a novel about it. Was just curious if it was a situation that that anyone else has ever experienced in regards to being completely out of touch with what was going on in a relationship.
And….yes. I am in a new (and fabulous) relationship. To be completely honest, I am grateful for the failure of my previous relationship, because without it I wouldn’t have met the man who now makes me ridiculously happy.
[I’ve been blindsided before. What I realized is I can’t analyze it and be in it at the same time. That’s why you don’t see it coming. After the fact I figured out the most likely explanation. It’s impossible to be 100% certain. An answer that seems plausible is enough to move on. Without a plausible explanation though it’s liable to stick in your mind the next time you find yourself in a similar situation.
One thing to be aware of is what people say in a stressed situation may include the wrong words or miss some vital ones out. I’ve noticed myself doing that on occasion. For instance I think he meant he had issues to work out before he could be in love. A relationship where no-one was in love was fine. The minute you introduce love everything changes.
Either he thought love would magically happen despite his issues, or totally had his head in the sand about it or both. His guy logic conspired to make him believe that proceeding into an exclusive relationship would be fine.
That he had such a strong reaction suggests he was blindsided too. I’ve noticed as well that people have a habit of being superglued to their beliefs and it’s known that people rearrange facts to suit their own beliefs. So like he was safe in his delusion for as long as love was never mentioned.
It’s obvious he was stressed in that situation as he’s suddenly admitting issues above love. Presumably either it was never mentioned before or he lied to maintain the delusion or the hope that it would magically happen for him. The sudden exit could be the delusion is suddenly burst and in his eyes it’s gone horribly wrong or loss of control over the whole relationship or the idea that having someone in love with him and him not being to reciprocate is terribly wrong. In that instance he could have easily have lied, but he didn’t. Only you can figure out the most likely answer.
There’s no defence against what issues people keep hidden inside. In that respect there’s no way to see them coming. You only know they’re a problem or not when something happens and you see how they handle it.