Hi, people. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. About two months ago, I was at a party at one of my girl friends’ house. My boyfriend was out of town, so he wasn’t there with me. Well I got pretty toasty, and didn’t want to drive. So I stayed at my friend’s house that night. Since she had a bunch of people staying over, I slept in her bed with her. Something we’ve done dozens of times before. Well as I was falling asleep, she put her arm around my waist and spooned. I didn’t really mind that, but then she started petting. Honestly, it felt pretty good. I sort of went along with it. Nothing major happened, just some heavy petting (nothing below the belt) and a little kissing. Then we both fell asleep and when we woke up the next day, we sort of sheepishly smiled at each other but didn’t really talk about it. So now I’m feeling terrible and I’m wondering if I should tell my boyfriend about it. The truth is, I’m confused about what we did, and if it’s considered cheating or not. I’m 100% sure it won’t happen again, as I won’t put myself in that situation anymore. I’ve never been attracted to girls previously, and I’m still not. It was a strange fluke of a situation that I don’t know how to deal with. I’m afraid to tell my boyfriend and put our relationship (which is wonderful) at risk for something that almost seems like it was an innocent mistake.
LemonVibe 
[Reading the title, my first thought was, “Does your boyfriend consider it cheating if it’s with a girl?” I know my boyfriend wouldn’t care, he’d just give the cliched, “Can I watch?” response.
For something like that, I don’t think I’d bring it up to him. You could always even try to jokingly bring up the subject with him, on whether *he* considers it cheating if it’s just drunkenly messing around with a girl. If he says he doesn’t consider it to be cheating, I still wouldn’t bring it up with him (“Oh, well now that I know you’re okay with it, let me admit…”), but you can rest easier knowing your boyfriend wouldn’t have really had a problem with whatever went down.
[The one piece that caught my attention the most: your friend initiated this while you were drunk. Was she drunk, too? At first glance, it looks like she took advantage of your inebriated state to initiate sexual activity…which is not cool, regardless of gender, how far it went, and whether or not you enjoyed it after it started. Had she ever made a move on you, or any other female friend, in the past? Did you know she had these inclinations? I don’t know, something about it just strikes me as odd.
[I don’t know… if it’s something you feel that bad about, then I think it could be considered cheating. Should the gender of the other person really matter? Would it be cheating if you kissed another guy? Then why not another girl?
That said, it sounds like you realize the mistake, and how you ended up in that situation, and I’m glad to hear you say you’re not going to put yourself there again. If that’s truly the case, I don’t think you need to bring it up to your boyfriend.
[Yikes. Good luck with that. I supposed I’d second what they said above.
[Hmm. What Eleanor Roosevelt said. How can you disagree with a First Lady?
But seriously, you feel guilty probably because you know your boyfriend would not be okay with it. But, people do make mistakes. I think if it’s going to weigh on your mind forever, I would tell him but be prepared for the fallout. Still, if you realize why you did it, and know how to avoid those situations (I mean, what if it was a guy spooning with you? I don’t think gender matters much in these cases) then keep quiet about it.
[I think you have a bigger problem here than if you did or did not cheat on your boyfriend:
Your girl/friend (who knows you are in a relationship and knows you are gay) instigated a physical connection with you.
I think the person you need to talk to is her, not him- you need to make sure she doesn’t think what the two of you did *was* “cheating” and, therefore, that you are into *her* and not your boyfriend!
Sorry, dude, Double Whammy!
[Wow I didn’t even consider the aspect of the drunken approach. Funny how gender roles skew our perceptions of events, right or wrong.
I also didn’t read this as a gay man but… I suppose it’s possible? It’s not like the gender of the LW is evident… Hmmm.
[“I’ve never been attracted to girls previously, and I’m still not. It was a strange fluke of a situation that I don’t know how to deal with. I’m afraid to tell my boyfriend and put our relationship (which is wonderful) at risk for something that almost seems like it was an innocent mistake.”
Given these sentences, I wouldn’t tell your boyfriend. He may or may not think it’s cheating, but there’s no reason to tell him other than to try and make yourself feel better, but in the end, it’s more likely to make you feel worse and him feel bad.
As far as the friend who initiated the physical contact – you may need to set the record straight with her (no pun intended) that you’re not interested in that again. She might have only intended for it to go as far as it did, or she might have just gone that far to see your interest, and she might think you’re interested in that again.
[Yes… the fact that you have to ask means you feel guilty. If you feel guilty, it’s cheating.
Now, since nothing “really” happened, I wouldn’t tell him. But I would be aware of the way you feel, and avoid any situation that puts you in this position again.
[I think it’s cheating regardless of the person’s gender, but what really matters is what you and your boyfriend define as cheating. It is true that a lot of men aren’t as threatened by girl/girl scenarios as they would be girl/guy, but that is something you need to talk about with him.
If it were me, I would have to confess (too much Catholic guilt in me to let it go!) because I would always feel bad around my boyfriend until I told him. If you are feeling guilty, you probably should talk about it.
[I know my boyfriend would consider it cheating, but all guys are different. Since this seemed fairly innocent, and it’s the first time you’ve had an experience like that, and you seem confused about it, I wouldn’t mention it to him. But since you obviously feel guilty about it, don’t let it happen again, since it seems like *you* might consider it to be cheating.
[Yes, it’s cheating. No, don’t tell your boyfriend. If you know it will never happen again, the only thing you will achieve by telling him, is hurting him. And, truly, telling him is more about relieving your guilt, about getting absolution…which if you think about…is kind of selfish: You will hurt him in order to ease your own mind. Don’t do it.
[I guess I agree with most of the previous comments. Does he consider is cheating? More importantly, do you consider it cheating? This is such a grey area. If the other girl is a lesbian and you showed genuine interest in her, and she you and there were some emotions behind the whole thing, then maybe that’s closer to cheating. If there is no history and you two kind of fooled around in a drunken haze, then maybe not-so-much. Whatever you do end up deciding about telling/not telling your boyfriend I would have to advise….don’t share a bed with her again!!
[Do you feel bad about it? Will it happen again? What’s to gain (on both sides) if you tell your boyfriend? Think about those things before you make your decision.
I think the real question to ask is not “Is what I did cheating?”, but “Why did this happen, what does it mean, and how does it affect my relationship?” It’s all about you allowing this to affect (or not) your relationship – if I was in your high heels, I’d take steps to ensure that it doesn’t affect your relationship. Then I’d wonder what I was doing in your high heels, and why I was face down on the floor.
[I actually feel like this question is strangely tailored to my personal experience, since I was the guy in a very similar situation.
I’ve been with my girlfriend for three years, and she is bisexual. This is something that I’m perfectly fine with. I’ve never really judged anyone based on that sort of thing. Recently, she became very good friends with a girl that is a lesbian, and was VERY attracted to my girlfriend.
My girlfriend figured I’d fall into the “as long as I can watch, go ahead” category, but I’m very glad that she had the decency to ask me if I considered it cheating. I told her that I considered it cheating no matter what the person’s gender was, and she respected that. She wanted to be with me and not this girl, so she completely dropped it.
But is your situation cheating? It honestly depends what your boyfriend thinks, but I think that you NEED to tell him. When you start keeping secrets, no matter how small or unimportant they may seem, it becomes easier to keep larger ones in the future. And this is something he has the right to know about. If you talk to him about it, are honest, and assure him that it will never happen again, he will be thankful for your honesty.
But don’t tell him it will never happen again unless you know for absolute certain.
[I agree with almost everyone else. It’s not something that should probably be brought up.
What I want to know is if I can come to your sleep overs! I’ll pull a Mrs. Doubtfire if I have to!
[To be honest with you, and I don’t know if I’m odd for feeling this way, I would be perfectly fine with my boyfriend exploring with another guy, because I am bisexual and understand that sometimes you need to explore. I would not, however be okay with him going with another girl. I know he likes girls. We’ve established that. I understand that this was a one-time thing, and I think that if you explained it to him the way you explained it on here, he would (at least if he’s a reasonable person) understand. There may be a little tension, but if the relationship is strong, you can get past it.
[Yes