So I know “When will he ever propose?” topics are a dime a dozen on dating and relationship sites, but I’d still love to get some opinions. My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for just over two years, and have lived together for one. (For the record, I am 24 and he is 26.) We get along well, the sex is good, I love being with him, and I feel like over the past year of living together, I am even more certain that this is the man I want to spend my life with. I know marriage is a big commitment, but I feel ready for it.
When we were in the more “getting to know you” phase of dating, we talked about life and marriage and living together. I told him that I think that 1-2 years is generally enough time to get to know whether you can see yourself with someone for the long haul, and he agreed. He said that (in the theoritical) he thought it was better to wait until you’re at least engaged before living together. He knows that I want to have kids (and my general timeline). After we had been dating for about 8 months, he got a promotion at work, and at the 1-year mark, we decided to move in together. I expected (based on our previous conversations) that he was thinking marriage, and that within a year, we’d be engaged.
Well…it’s been that year, and nothing’s happened. I know he is committed to me, but I want to make it official. I love him, I don’t want a life without him, I want to build our future together. I think he feels the same way, but he’s not doing the things he needs to do to make it happen! I’ve asked him if there are any reasons why he doesn’t want to get married and he says no…I’ve asked him if he’s waiting until some benchmark (like a certain amount of money in the bank, or when I finish my 2nd degree), and he says no…I’ve asked if it’s because he doesn’t want children, and he says no. And then when I ask those questions, he usually just gets smug and says I shouldn’t ask questions, or that he “loves teasing me” about it.
I don’t want to nag him, and I don’t want him to propose because he feels like I’ve put him up to it. I want him to WANT to marry me. I just don’t know how to proceed. I hate feeling like I’m waiting and that it’s all up to him. I get frustrated that he expects me to go to numerous family functions with him, keep house, cook, etc like I’m his wife, without giving me the actual title. It makes me worry that I am more committed to him than he is me, or at least, that he’s more ambivalent about it.
Do you have any suggestions? Tips on how I should talk about it with him? Insights that I’m not seeing?
LemonVibe 
[I agree with Jasmine on this…if it’s causing you this much stress, why not just ask him? And as was mentioned…if the lack of proposal is a dealbreaker for you, that’s something you’ll need to tell him, but if not, just make it clear that the teasing is seriously affecting you and isn’t okay and then let yourself relax.
[I think the fact that he’s smug about it means that he’s probably planning on proposing. He might have a specific date in mind (even though you asked him about it, it’d probably be giving it away to tell you that he did), and he might be waiting for that and wants it to be a big surprise.
On the other hand, maybe he’s not. One thing that always kind of bugs me about proposals is that the timing seems mostly up to the guy. He gets to sit back and be all smug, while the girl is wringing her hands and fretting about whether they’re on the same page and overanalyzing the relationship so that the guy can bask in the surprise when he pops the question. I think it’s totally worth taking out some of the surprise if it means months and months of less stress for you.
Is your anniversary coming up anytime soon? If it is, I’d wait to have a lengthy discussion with him until after your anniversary (or any other noteworthy date in your relationship). Valentine’s Day is coming up, maybe he’s going to then? I’d give him a little more time just in case he does want to surprise you, but then I would sit him down and repeat the highlights of what you’ve mentioned here. Tell him that you appreciate if he wants to make it extra special or he wants to give you the ultimate surprise, but the fact of the matter is that you’d much rather sacrifice some element of surprise in order to make sure that you’re both on the same page and his goals haven’t changed since you talked about them a year or so ago.
Then stress that it’s kind of cruel to “tease” you with something as important as the future of your relationship, and the engagement would mean that much more if he took these feelings into account.
[What if he proposed now – would you think by default that he’s just doing it “because you put him up to it”, even if you don’t fully know the reason (as others have said, he might have been planning this for some time)?
[Have you thought of just proposing to him? By him a big flat screen TV or that iPad he’s drooling over and pop the question!
[I agree with Margaret Charles. And my impression about the smug, teasing behavior was the same… I wouldn’t think he would tease you without having a plan in mind.
The real question is… what if he doesn’t propose in the next, say, 6 months? Are you going to leave? Issue an ultimatum? You need to decide what you’re willing to deal with. If you love him and simply can’t see being without him, then just relax and let things flow. Honestly two years is not a spectacularly long time – and in a world where divorce is often a go-to solution for marriage problems, I can’t fault someone for waiting until they are absolutely sure that “life” means “life”.
It’s clear that you are talking about this – he knows where you stand, and there are no secrets about what you desire. That’s important, and makes me think that he has a plan to which you are not privy. Don’t sweat it, give it a little more time, and if things STILL don’t proceed in your preferred timeline, then it would be a good idea to sit down and have a heart to heart.
Oh, and more blow jobs.
[I had a friend who was likely causing similar worry with is girlfriend because he was taking longer than she thought he would to propose. He was actually taking longer than he thought he would to propose. They were there, they had discussed it and were both on board. So he did what any smart guy who has no clue when it comes to pretty things women like, like diamonds, did: they went to a few jewelry stores that afternoon. They hit like three or four different ones, and by the end of it he had a great idea of the type of ring she was looking for. We met up for beers that evening and I asked how it went. You know that look on your face when you open your heating bill and see an amount that was a lot more than you thought it would be. Yeah, I saw that look. He loved this girl to death and wanted to make her happy, but he said all the rings she looked at weren’t less than $7,000. Not that they were big diamonds, it was more the design than anything. But he said after seeing the look on her face when she put on the ring she knew she wanted, he knew that’s the one he was going to get. But he’d need to save more before doing it. So he did. They had “the talk” a few times on whether or not he was doubting his decision, but he wanted to keep it low key because of a) the surprise element, and b) he didn’t want to bring up the price issue because she’d feel guilty. He just assured her it was happening and that he would marry her.
It happened, she was psyched. He apologizes for taking too long and said he wanted to get the ring she deserved, and she cried.
So anyway, that was just one of many possible explanations. May not even apply to you, but it was a story I knew of where his intentions were noble.
[My fiance knew I was getting antsy about where we were going, etc. We had talked about marriage and agreed that it was what we both wanted, but since I’m almost 30 and I knew I wanted to have kids, I wanted to get started within the next couple years. So about a year ago we had a good talk about it, and I basically told him within the year, I wanted to have taken steps forward, and if that wasn’t what he wanted he needed to let me know because it was something very important to me.
Turns out the reason he had been waiting to propose was he thought he had to pay for the whole amount of the engagement ring up front, he didn’t realize he could finance it! His mother and sister clued him in, and we went to look at rings together, and 5 months after that talk, he proposed 🙂 So there are a bunch of reasons he might not be proposing yet, but if it’s seriously worrying you, then you need to sit down and discuss that with him. He might not realize how important it is to you.
[Didn’t anyone ever watch Friends??? Don’t you now what happens when you f@ck with your fiance and get her to think you’re never going to propose?
She gets mad and leaves, your best friend steps in to save the day, she figures out that you were just messing with you, decides to mess with you herself, gets your best friend in on it, you start freaking out, but then as soon as you walk into your apartment, there’s like all these hundreds of tiny candles and a mushy soundtrack in place, and then everything works out and there’s crying on your end and on her end and on the audience’s end and oh the crying. But the joy, too.
Err… yeah, that.
[I agree with Margaret Charles, but I wanted to add a few things. He knows this is an emtionally subject, but there might be something about marriage that is a concern for him. I’d ask him if there is a particular reason(s) that he is hesitant. For example, maybe he knows you want kids within two years of getting married, but he’s not ready for that step, not the marriage step. Or, maybe his guy friends tell him horror stories about marriage, and he loves where the two of you are right now and doesn’t want that to change.
Find the right time, be calm and sit down and have an honest and open conversation with him. Don’t get upset but just listen to what he has to say and then work through if there are any concerns. He may have none, and it’s just timing but it’s worth a conversation to at least put your mind at ease and guarantee that you’re on the same page.
[The proposal “timeline” has always been on a very broad spectrum in my personal opinion. I have friends who dated and got engaged on their one year anniversary. Others dated for nearly 5-6 years before getting engaged.
I’ve been with my girlfriend for about 10 month now. We moved in together 4 months ago and we discussed marriage way before then. I have told her though we were talking about it early on I want to be dating for a minimum of 1 year before getting engaged (despite friends who were placing bets on us being married in 6 months).
My personal belief if that you just have to go with what feels right for the two of you. You know he loves you. He knows you love him. It sounds like you both have discussed marriage before and understand the others perspective and desires.
I say let things go their general course. As others have mentioned above he may very well have something in mind and just doesn’t want to give away the surprise.
[Give it some time and try not to say anything about it. He might really want to ask, but every time you bring it up, the question gets pushed back because he wants it to be a surprise. So, figure out if you are willing to wait a little. If you love him and you know he loves you, and you’ve discussed it in the past, then it’s a matter of time. But the more you push it, the more you might drive him away from asking. If you really are upset and you need to know what’s going on in his head, then bring it up and say what you need to say. If it is just a matter of wanting to make sure you two are still on the same page, then you can bring that up with out even mentioning marriage.
[I don’t think it’s fair to tell her, oh, don’t push this, what if he just proposes to you under duress? Why should all of this be on his timeline with her waiting indefinitely. I’m sorry, but if he doesn’t want to propose ever or within a reasonable amount of time then she needs to know so she can decide if she wants to stick around. It should be something they both decide on- in my mind, the proposal is just the formality to the engagement- both people should be in concert about when they get married. Why should he pressure her to stay around indefinitely for him? How is that fair? It sounds like they need a serious discussion on what timeline they are going to go on.
[I’m in the same boat with my boyfriend. Been dating a little over two years. Through that time, we’ve unofficially lived together twice. (When we first started dating in college, I had an apartment to myself and he had roommates, so we spent all our nights at my place. When we graduated, he got an internship in my town and stayed with me for the summer.)
But when I bring up “officially” living together, he gets weird. He has said a bunch of times that “living together is basically being engaged, and I’m just not ready for a commitment like that right now.”
Well I’ve asked why not, and he can’t tell me. I’ve asked when he sees being able to settle down with someone, and he can’t tell me. It’s stressful for me since I don’t want to stay in a relationship that isn’t going to last. If he can’t see himself marrying me, I need to get out and find someone who will love me the way I need.
I’ve mentioned that to him, and it upsets him because he says he “doesn’t want to lose me” but at the same time, he still won’t give me a straight answer. I try to tease him about it by saying things like “oh maybe [famous person] will marry me!” And he usually doesn’t respond well to it.
I’m at a point where I’m not sure if I should drop the subject completely, or if I should continue to bring it up. I know that if he doesn’t want to marry me, I need to get out of the relationship. But he hints that he does, and then won’t tell me yes or no. So I honestly don’t know what to do, but if you feel comfortable bringing it up to your boyfriend, then you should definitely talk about it.
Don’t give him an ultimatum, but if he keeps telling you he doesn’t know, mention to him that you have goals in life and that in your mind, he’s included in those goals. If that’s not something he sees for himself, he needs to let you know so that you can go find someone who wants to be with you in the same way you want to be with them. It hurts to say and to hear, but if you’re serious about marrying him, it’s a conversation that needs to be had.