With your significant other? Do you expect that they’ll clear all plans with you before making them? My fiance’s generally pretty good about making sure that I come first, but I was pretty frustrated this week that he made a bunch of plans that didn’t involve me without running it by me first. We both have pretty odd schedules with work and school, so I like to prioritize our time together. Do you expect to see your boyfriend or girlfriend every night of the week? Every other night? Once a week? How do you communicate your schedules and what are your expectations?
LemonVibe 
[I want to focus on your second question, because that’s the one that struck me the most.
I think it’s just a matter of courtesy to clear any big plans with your significant other, or any plans that fall on a night where your significant other might reasonably be expecting to see you. For example, if we usually hang out Friday nights, then I’m certainly not going to make plans with someone else without mentioning it to her first.
On the other hand, I don’t think it’s necessarily healthy to feel like you need to clear *everything* with your sig. I mean, I don’t see anything wrong with spontaneity, you know. As long as you’re not infringing on any plans that you and your sig might have made previously, I don’t see anything wrong with saying, “oh, sorry, honey, I just decided at the last minute to hit the bars with my buddies tonight.”
On the third hand, I noticed that you said a “bunch of plans.” In that case, if he did, say, plan out the entire schedule for his week, and none of them included you, and he didn’t say anything about this to you beforehand, then… yeah, I can see how that might be a little inconsiderate, especially if your schedules are already weird and you have to make an effort to coincide your time off to spend it with each other.
[Personally I don’t need much time. We live together and while sometimes the fact that we only get an hour a night gets to us, it’s often enough for us to feel connected.
He doesn’t need to run his plans by me first, but he often does. I must admit I’m not as good at returning the courtesy . But if we feel disrespected or left out we’re pretty good at complain… I mean discussing our feelings.
[With me and Q, we used to talk about plans and try to schedule time with each other… and then after a while it just fell into place. We both have our own schedules, and they mesh. I play pool on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so those are the days he spends with the guys working on the cars… and if either of us have plans for the other days, we chat about it… but generally Monday, Wednesday and Friday are the evenings we spend together.
That’s what works for us… but I will say that it will probably figure itself out after a little while. You do get into a routine…
[This will vary by couple, based on their schedules, outside interests and need for space. I agree with Dennis above that I don’t think a significant other needs to clear everything with their significant other (unless it’s going to conflict with preestablished plans), but it’s helpful and courteous to communicate plans as they come up.
As far as how frequently to see a significant other, I think quality of time together is as important as quantity of time. Sitting around watching him play video games every night of the week isn’t as beneficial as one date night where you both are attentive to one another. I also think the amount of communication in between spending time together is important. Ultimately, it’s specific to each relationship, but as you get less quality time and less communication, I think the relationship starts to suffer…at what point that happens will vary.
[Personally I don’t need much time. We live together and while sometimes the fact that we only get an hour a night gets to us, it’s often enough for us to feel connected.
He doesn’t need to run his plans by me first, but he often does. I must admit I’m not as good at returning the courtesy . But if we feel disrespected or left out we’re pretty good at complain… I mean discussing our feelings.
[Like everyone else has already mentioned, I think a lot of it depends on the particular couple and expressed expactions. I would be (and have been) miserable in a relationship where I had to clear EVERYTHING with my significant other, and I would feel very smothered if I had to have their okay before I made plans.
But I prefer most of my time to myself. Weekend time is typically boyfriend time, and if I want to make other plans on the weekends I’ll try and let him a few days in advance that our time is going to be cut short. He usually extends the same courtesy, but neither of us plan very far ahead and neither of us feel like the weekends are owed to the other one. A few days in advance, we’ll usually get in contact and give the other a brief weekly forecast that we use to try and get in sync. If I’ve made plans over the time that works best for him, we just come up with another day that works better, even if that means our dates will be pushed back.
[This is sort of a tough one for me as well since I have a constantly changing work schedule. In my head I try to think about which upcoming nights/days I may be able to see him. On average I’d say I see him 4 times a week, but sometimes it’s more or less. Sometimes we spend a whole day together on a weekend, and sometimes I’ll just stop by for an hour. We only live 5 minutes apart so it’s easy to just stop by for a bit, which is nice. He doesn’t go out with friends very often, so he doesn’t usually make plans without mentioning them to me.
I do like quality time, which means when we do something together or watch something together, rather than him playing video games and me doing something else. But he doesn’t feel the need to be always doing something together when I’m over there. He says he likes it sometimes if we can each do our own thing, and he likes knowing I’m just there with him in the house. Since I’m pretty much always at his house, I understand him feeling that way. If he were at my house, I think I’d be more inclined to each have us do our own thing, since there’s enough to amuse me here, whereas there isn’t at his house.
[How do I run things in my relationship? Well, my husband affectionately calls me his “jazzberry”, so luckily for me everyone runs schedules by me and, admitedly, I get to pretty much do whatever I want. Maybe this is because my husband knows better than to make plans without running it by me first. However, every time he does , as long as we don’t have something major planned which he forgot about, I tell him to go for it. And while we prioritize family time, it is incredibly important that you both keep your social lives away from eachother. He’s your fiance- someday you will be BEGGING him to go out with the guys. Shoot, you’ll be the one to suggest that he takes his close friend with a baby on the way to a strip club! I say, use this time to go out with your own girlfriends and have your own time (heck, start planning that wedding of yours!) And yes, since it clearly bothers you, casually mention to him that you would really love it if he checks with you before making any plans- with or without you.
[Unless your fiance is a psychic, he can’t read your mind. I think you should sit down and think about what your expectations are in this relationship regarding time spent together. Are you expecting to hang out every night? Every other night? If you communicate your needs with him, he will be able to understand what you are expecting. But, let me say this…
In a relationship, it is still important to maintain other relationships. It could be that this particular week he has planned to hang out with his friends and family or work on other commitments. If you are constantly demanding all his time, eventually this will lead to bitterness and resentment. My hubby and I have worked out a designated day that is ours. We call in “No Technology Friday.” We turn off all our devices and we hang out together. So, all week I am looking forward to Friday, where I know I will get some quality time with my hubby.
Think about what will make you happy regarding time spent with your fiance, then share it with him. It sounds like he will be very open to communication. If it upset you that he made plans and didn’t tell you or include you, then let him know so that in the future he will consider how you feel. If you need more time with him, then let him know. It very well could be that it hadn’t even crossed his mind that he made all these plans with out you. Relationships are a learning process, so share and communicate to help your relationship grow in the right direction. You will have to decide what your expectations are because every relationship is unique.
[My household is so routine it’s pathetic. We do almost everything together, so it just falls naturally that we discuss our plans. He’s the plan maker, though, and I’m normally along for the ride. I’m totally ok with that!
On the rare occasions I want to do something without him, or vice versa, it’s just a matter of “oh did we have anything planned for xyz date?” And if not, we make our plans. Pretty simple system.
[I’m in an LDR, so we normally plan things out in advance (Friday movie night? check.) But we don’t completely ask/notify for every goings-out. Still, it sounds like there was the expectation of a normal weekend outing that he flaked on, so I’d say just tell him and mention that Fridays or Saturdays you’d like him to mention if he’s going to be doing something different.