I dated a girl for two years several years ago. While we were different in a lot of ways, we always had fun together and got along really well. We broke up because I discovered that she had a lot of baggage from a previous relationship, and there was a lot of stuff that she wasn’t willing to trust me with. To this day, I still have no idea what some of these issues are.
Recently, though, we got back in touch (I admit it, I messaged her first). Well, now she wants to get back together and swears it will be different this time. I asked her how I’d know, since she had so many secrets before. I asked her if she’d tell me about all the stuff from her past, and she said that she would — but I would have to give her time.
But seriously, how much time does she need? Remember, we were together for two years.
Am I considering this because I’m lonely? Or maybe because I’m just comfortable with her? I’m not sure I trust her to be completely honest this time, but then again, it’s not like getting together means we’re getting married or anything. I’m pretty sure her baggage isn’t anything too traumatic, like abuse or anything. I think she’s just kind of a private person. Still, I’m not getting a good gut feeling on this right now.
Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can figure this one out? I emailed a friend of mine who recently went back to his ex-wife. She initiated the divorce, but then wanted him back, and he agreed to try again. I’m hoping he can give me some advice, but I’m not sure he’s comfortable doing that. How can I go about figuring something like this out? Or is there really no reasoning involved, and I just have to go with my gut feelings?
LemonVibe 
[If you’re having trouble trusting her, then I think this could be a huge issue. I understand that if she’s a private person, it’s going to be really hard for her to just open up and tell you everyting about her past. But then again, relationships are about compromise, you know?
I think you should (as gently as you can) explain to her how her being so closed off is affecting you. Let her know that she’s making it difficult for you to trust her. Then, maybe you can ask her to at least make an effort to open up to you. I mean, that’s cool that she says you just have to give her time. But then again, that also sounds like kind of a half-assed response that she might’ve just thrown out there to get you off her back, you know?
Either way, i think you have to talk to her about this.
[I think when people break up, they break up for a reason. It sounds like you had a pretty good reason for breaking up with her, so why do you think things will be different this time? Was her “baggage” the ONLY reason you two broke up, or were there other things wrong with the relationship (or even just simply the desire to no longer be in the relationship) that a distance of two years is causing you to forget or disregard?
Because I have a hard time believing some baggage is the ONLY reason you broke up the first time. Tons of people have baggage, but I guess this girl’s could have been pretty remarkable.
On the one hand, it’s perfectly fine to decide you don’t want to be with someone because they seem too guarded and you feel like they can’t trust you with stuff. And while this girl promises that things can and will be different, the fact that she still isn’t willing to trust you with her “baggage” (she’ll tell you “eventually” doesn’t seem too promising) seems like your initial decision two years ago was the right one for you.
On the other hand, I’m inclined to think that her baggage is her baggage. Why do you feel that it’s so important that she share it with you? Maybe it’s something she’d rather not talk about and would rather leave in the past. I think there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. If you think that her baggage is the reason she’s a less-than-stellar girlfriend (trust issues, inability to communicate, whatever) then that’s one thing, but I personally would be focusing more on her changing those actions rather than opening up to you and reliving a dark part of her past that she obviously doesn’t want to share.
[I like to think of relationships in terms of recipes. For example, you *could* bake cookies without sugar (or flour, butter, etc.), but the cookies would taste like crap, or fall apart, or be an inedible pile of goo…bottom line, they’re not going to turn out nearly as well without the key omitted ingredient. Trust is a big deal in relationships, and it sounds like that’s the issue here. You *could* have a relationship without trust, but…well, I think you see where I’m going on this one.
I was struck by this line: “I’m not getting a good gut feeling on this right now.” Why do you think that is?
[When two people break up, and then start to miss each other, and then get back together, it doesn’t take very long to remember why they broke up in the first place. However, in your girlfriends case, it sounds like she is struggling with some major demons, (hurts, upsets, betrayals…issues) from the past. Depending on what they are, she may be able to work through some of them with a good therapist. However, if she isn’t willing to do that work, it won’t work. It will be the same stuff, different day. Or in your case, year. I wish you the best, but make sure if you take her back, she has taken the time to seriously address the underlying issues that were causing her to have such walls up in the first place.
[People break up for a reason, obviously you guys had a lot of them. You’re comforable with her, that’s the extent of it. I may let her in to my life, but not back to where she was before. If her problem was truly her private personality, that’s not something she’s changed. And if she had been trying to change that, and she truly wanted to be back in your life, she probably would have contacted you, not the other way around.
Let her in if you like, but keep her at arm’s length. She probably won’t let you any closer.
[The only person who can know whether or not you will be able to trust her is you. Take a minute and try to see from her perspective, maybe why she might not be ready even after two years to tell you. Or you can straight out ask her whether it’s a trust issue. Maybe she felt like you were pushing her for two years to tell you things she wasn’t ready to share. Or maybe she actually doesn’t trust you for reasons of her own. Only she can know that. But if she doesn’t trust you or you don’t trust her, then you know what’s the roadblock.
[I’d ask yourself this: is the gut feeling coming from fear? Does it feel like it did right before you broke up? If so…I’m not so sure that’s a good sign. But, I’m a big advocate of moving on. Two years is a long time to date…long enough to know what the dealbreakers are between two people. The other question I suggest you ask yourself is what has actually changed between now and when you broke up.
[I would consider those 2 years as irrelevant as far as this “baggage” issue is concerned. Fact is, you two took a break. For several years. You can’t expect to fall back into the relationship with the same level of trust (or lack thereof). Give her time, as she asked, and perhaps your silent support and understanding will have more of a positive effect on her than asking her to reveal her past to you. It sounds like you simply can’t stand her having any secrets from you – but let’s face it. We all have our skeletons, and you would be wise to respect that and allow her to have her privacy.
As for getting back together, it sounds like you are lonely and want to re-connect with someone in your past; not that THIS particular girl has you tied up in knots. Why not open the relationship back up with casual communication, and just see where it goes? No pressure.
[Hmm. Did her baggage interfere with your relationship? Or did you feel not wanting to reveal everything about her life constituted a rejection of you? Either way, I think you have that gut feeling for a reason. Something had to have changed–either her openness or your acceptance of her private nature–between these two years to have brought you both to a place where this can work. This is assuming her ‘baggage’ didn’t contribute to other relationship problems like jealously, lack of communication, etc.
I think if you really like her you should just reconnect cautiously. But if it’s like you said, that being private is who she is, I wouldn’t carry expectations that her personality would change.
[Go with your gut. There is something that is telling you to not go there. So I would listen to that. In my experience, going against that doesn’t work well. It sounds like you are in a place to settle because you don’t have any other options. Hold out. You are worth more than you are giving yourself credit for.
[You are considering because you are lonely. You know that, or you would not have included that possibility when asking advice from people on an on-line forum. Tigers don’t shed there stripes. Give her two more years, you’ll see the same old orange and black baggage peeking through.
[You say that you dated her several years ago. That’s a lot of time for someone to grow and mature as a person. I’m not saying that she has– just that it is certainly a possibility.
The truth of the the matter is: there’s no way you can know if things will be different without trying and seeing if it works. And that’s taking an emotional gamble. If you get emotionally invested in this girl again, you could wind up getting hurt. But you could also wind up sharing something very special. It all come down to how you feel about her and whether or not you think it’s worth another shot.
Now, if you decide to proceed, I definitely think you guys need to lay down some ground rules. Tell her exactly why you think it didn’t work out last time and make her understand that it HAS to be different this time around. Then let her tell you her side of things.
Mutual trust and understanding is the only way a relationship can work, so try and establish that going into it this time– if you decide to proceed that is.
[If you decide that you genuinely care for her, then you really don’t have an out except to give her another opportunity. I suggest dating CASUALLY at first…. don’t be exclusive (or don’t give that perception if you are.) It should only take about a month before you realize (a) if she has actually changed, and (b) why you broke up in the first place. Once you have that info under your belt, I think it will become very clear to you how to proceed. Good luck!