“I’m ready to leave him, but can’t get past the guilt”

I want to leave my boyfriend of five years, with whom I have two kids. I have known the relationship has been over for two years now, but have stayed despite my many attempts to leave, because it’s … just easier. It’s easier to stay where I know how things are than to venture into the unknown. It’s easier to just deal than to break someone’s heart. It’s easier than dealing with all of the stress that comes with being alone.

Given it’s a unique situation for me, as I don’t have a car and have been relying on my boyfriend to get me around. I have been put in a very dependent situation with him, and I feel that is why it is the way it is.

The past year I have gotten an amazing job. I make great money, and I can afford to take care of myself and my children and then some. I’ll be buying a car this next week, and I’ll be independent once again. But I’m sort of holding out on telling him what is going on in my mind. I don’t know why he has been holding on. I’m sure he is as dependent on me as I am on him, in a financial way though.

I don’t want to make this long, so I won’t go into fine detail, but we aren’t compatible. We met when we were young and stayed because we had a child together. We have since grown, and our views on life and what we want out of it have changed, gone separate ways in fact. He can’t seem to hold a job and doesn’t have much ambition in having a successful career. I am currently going through nursing school, then will be onto medical school.

He has a few friends and does not go out. All he wants/likes to do is sit at home. I love being social and being around friends. I am undeniably as unattracted to him as you can be to someone. I have no desire to be physically intimate with him. I cringe at the thought. I just honestly feel as though he has sucked the life out of me. He is a leech. When he is around, we can’t even talk without fighting. Now that I am about to be completely independent, I see a whole new world for myself, without him. It’s getting harder and harder to just deal when I know I could find someone that is my dream and could make me so happy.

I can’t get past the guilt. I can’t get past how manipulative he is. I want to tell him to move out, but he doesn’t even have a way to support himself, a broken car, nowhere to go. I don’t know how to go about this. I can’t continue to settle and deal with being so unhappy out of pity for someone.

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2 thoughts on ““I’m ready to leave him, but can’t get past the guilt”

  1. Anonymous says:

    You need to do what is best for you and the kids. You can’t let his depression/manipulation suck you all down. You leaving a co-dependant relationship may be the kick in the pants he needs to get a move on and you and the kids will eventually be happier for it. I’m so happy to see you have a exit plan for you and the kids. Make sure he can’t get a hold of your finances and have a place to live lined up.

    Good luck Mama.

  2. M says:

    i have been fighting the feeling of guilt for over a year, before i managed to finally leave my severely depressed ex, (depression was not the reason for leaving, but the bit reason for my guilt, he was very dependent on my love ) with whom i also spent 5years. fortunately we had no children… And even though it sounds like you already know that yourself, life does become SO MUCH better, and easier and brighter after you manage to take that step. it is worth it. He is a grown man,you are not responsible to what happens to him. You are however responsible for your own happiness. You said yourself he is manipulative. So do not let him do this to you. It sounds like you have a secure life plan fir you and your children figured out, ao it’s just the mater of taking control of your emotions, which is not easy… again i can only talk from my own experience, it took me a long time to make gather courage to do it, and when the time came i was so sure, i never once waiver or stumble, nor did i got emotional, just gave him the facts. maybe make sure kids are at someone’s placen(grandparents, friends? ) and give yourself a goal, by tonight, he’ll be out. and make sure you got answers nready for all his counter arguments on why you should “reconsider”

    good luck

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