So I’ve been dating a great guy for almost a year, and our relationship is really good. We get along well most of the time, but there’s just one quality of his that really been getting on my nerves.
Sometimes I just feel like he’s too full of himself. He’s an average-looking guy who just started working out. He wasn’t overweight or anything before, just a little untoned and scrawny. I really liked his old body, and it made me feel more comfortable about my own body because I didn’t have to worry about him judging my own imperfections. But lately I feel like he’s been bragging about his looks. Like when he started working out and bulking up, he’d always be flexing in the mirror and fishing for compliments about his new body. When he gets a new shirt he puts it on and makes a comment about how good he looks in it, and I just can’t put my finger on why it annoys me so much but it really does. I think it’s because my number one turnoff in guys is cockiness, and I feel like my boyfriend is turning into some self-absorbed douche.
He compliments me sometimes, but I feel like he focuses on his own looks way more than he does mine. Even though he doesn’t mention it, I’m starting to get the vibe that maybe now that he got more muscular, he thinks that he can do better than me and is scoping out all the hotties at the gym.
So the other day when he was looking at his muscles in the mirror after working out and asked me what I thought in his new annoying, cocky voice, I finally snapped and told him he really needed to lose the attitude because he wasn’t as hot as he thought he was and he had an unfounded, over-inflated ego. He got really pissed off and said that I was just trying to bring him down and took him for granted, which just pissed me off even more.
He’s been pretty mad at me ever since, and while I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have spoken out of anger I still stand by what I said. How do I get him to stop being mad at me, while still getting it across to him that I don’t like the guy he’s turning into?
LemonVibe 
[Just get him a funhouse mirror, that should knock him down a couple of levels. 😉
[For starters, you should think the person you’re with is hot, sexy, etc. Telling your significant other “you’re not as hot as you think you are” is a really bad move. But it also makes it pretty clear that you aren’t that into him.
If you truly want to salvage the relationship, apologize to him for flipping out and saying those mean things. Tell him you are feeling a little insecure lately because he’s definitely getting sexier and you’re worried about him getting tempted by all the attention he’s bound to get from other women. Mention to him (calmly) that you’re really turned off by his cockiness lately. You’re thrilled that he’s getting in shape and feeling good about himself, but it’s a little obnoxious that he talks about it all the time.
If he takes it well, you’ll be fine. If he’s still mad, you should probably move on.
I do have one more thing to address. Is it possible that you’re irritated by his recent behavior because you’re jealous? You mentioned you liked his old body because it made you feel better about yourself. Only you should be able to make you feel good about yourself. Healthy relationships don’t happen if you’re constantly worried about being the better looking of the pair. If you want to feel good about yourself, go to the gym with him and start a simple workout routine. [I know from experience that it’s really sexy when a couple goes to the gym together. You get home from the gym, shower, and then keep the workout high going in the bedroom.]
Basically, you need to be real with yourself. Are you irritated by his behavior… or his confidence? If it’s the latter, you should really work on yourself and try to get to the same place he is. If it’s his attitude about his body that’s bugging you, let him know, give him a chance to change it, and if he doesn’t,, you can move on. Bottom line is you shouldn’t be with someone who irritates you.
[Are you certain that his cocky behavior isn’t just a new-found confidence in himself (looks and otherwise)? You said he wasn’t too toned and a bit scrawny so he may not have been to happy with his looks up to this point.
His cockiness may just be pride in what he’s accomplished. I can personally relate. I used to be really over-weight until I took matters into my own hands and dropped close to 100lbs. I don’t often flex in the mirror or constantly make my personal thoughts on my looks public knowledge but I’m proud (and amazed) as hell over what I’ve accomplished and how I look now. Sometime I will find myself gazing in the mirror out of pure shock that I was able to turn things around and go from over-weight and shy to healthy and confident.
Snapping at him was probably the wrong move. You let your feelings build up for too long until they boiled over.
My advice is to apologize for the things you said to him out of anger and then calmly have a discussion with him about how you’ve been feeling lately and some of your concerns.
He needs to be made aware of your thoughts or feelings and after that it is up to him what he wants to do this it. He can either accept what you’ve told him and tone down the self-indulgence or he can completely disregard what you told him and proceed with his current behavior.
In either case you’ll then have a better idea about the kind of the guy he is (or isn’t becoming) and which of those people he wants to be.
[Do any of your mutual friends notice the same thing? Perhaps you can ask a friend to broach it with him… sometimes things like this are better off NOT coming from your S.O. Just a thought.
[Why do you still want to be with him if you don’t like the person he’s becoming?
[Do you think you might be projecting issues you have with your own body onto him? You mention that his old body made you more comfortable with your body, because you didn’t have to worry about him judging your imperfections. Are you worried that now that he’s improving his body (in his eyes, anyway), he’s going to start judging yours?
[Have you ever noticed that sometimes people focus on their outer appearance when they are insecure about something? It could be that your bf is having some sort of issue that is beyond just a physical appearance. Maybe he was made fun of or maybe he is envious of his muscular friends who get compliments on their amazing biceps. Whatever the reason, the issue is probably deeper than just changing his appearance and bragging about it.
You should not have blown up at him, but I totally understand why you did. Apologize if you truly are sorry and try to talk with him rationally about this issue. Reassure him that you loved him way before the physical change and you will love him no matter the size of his pecs. Talk it out!
[Take him to power yoga, and watch him flail around on the mat like a dying fish. Laughing optional.