I just started dating this truly amazing guy a month ago. It is a truly magical relationship so far. The only issue is that I make 4x what he does. How do I not screw this up like I have in past relationships by feeling resentful towards him later on? Right now we do cheap/free dates like cooking at home, going to the beach, game nights, or redbox movies, which is actually pretty awesome not spending any money. How do I overcome the tradional financial roles that exist? How do I avoid his resentment if I pick up the check more frequently than he does?
LemonVibe 
[Is he looking for better work? Is he trying to work his way up in his current field? Does he seem to feel bad that he can’t take you out, or if you do go out, that he can’t pay? If your answer to any of these is “yes” then I suggest you just give it a little time. If he’s already looking for better money, give it a little while to see if things get better once he does.
If he’s not looking for work, is he lazy? Is he happy with what he currently makes? Do you think he can do better? Does he not think he can do better? If the answer to any of these is “yes” you’re going to have to either get over the salary thing,, or get over him. It can’t work out between you if there’s any resentment.
The way to avoid the resentment? You have to ask yourself what his income and his job says about him. If he’s in a job he LOVES and just isn’t making much, you should really let it go. So he doesn’t make as much as you. He’s happy, you’re happy, and that’s great! If he’s in a job you think he’s too good for, try being supportive and suggesting he look for other work. Help him network, look for jobs for him in the paper and online. If he doesn’t think he’s worth more than what he’s making now, help him see that he’s wrong and that he can do more for himself.
Helping him out will help make you less bitter.
It can definitely be tough when you’re the one paying for everything, but you guys are definitely on the right track choosing cheap dates. People should do more of that anyway. If YOU are the one who wants to spend money to go out, you should be able to without resenting your boyfriend for not being able to pay. If HE voices that he’d like to take you out, but just can’t afford it, there are ways to get around it! Start a date night fund. Throw your pocket change into a jar and save up 30 bucks that he can pocket and use to pay at Chili’s or Outback or somewhere similar. He could cook for you, etc. There are a lot of ways to even the playing field. Maybe you pay, he drives.
It sounds like this relationship is working well, other than the money thing,. So go with it. Don’t expect that you’ll get resentful, because maybe you won’t.
[Do you truly believe you may become resentful towards him for not being able to take you out, or go on lavish dates, not because he doesn’t want to but because he can’t afford to?
If you think you’ll begin to resent him because of his lack-of-financial income then you need to re-evaluate what you are really looking for in a relationship.
If you think you’ll begin to resent him because of his lack-of-interest in picking up the check, and treating you to a night out, then you need to establish some ground rules or boundaries now before it becomes an issue. The same goes for if you believe he’ll begin to resent you for picking up the tab more frequently.
One of the best recommendations I can make is if you know you’re going to pick up the check before evening going out then tell him so. Say something like, “Let’s go out to dinner/a movie/a show, I’m treating.”
Have a discussion about how often the two of you feel comfortable going out during a week. How often do you want to go out to dinner? A movie? Is there a special event coming up (ie: Valentine’s Day) where things may become a little more expensive? In those instances, maybe take a week or so off going out and do more free-fun date ideas to help save for the more meaningful nights out.
I get you’ve only been dating for a month so a lot of this stuff may not really apply until later in the relationship, but it’s often better to establish this type of understanding now rather than have it fester and build over time.
Money and relationships is always going to be a difficult topic. The one piece of advice I’ll always give to couples is just to talk about it. If you really care about each other you will respect the others comfort level on how they spend money.
[I can tell that you’re proud of how much money you make, but I wonder if that’s the issue right there. Statements like, “I know that no one else can make what I do where I live” (from your comment above), give me the impression that maybe you flaunt or gloat about your income without even realizing it. Is it possible that, on some level, you actually *want* him to be resentful, because that would validate the hard work you’ve put in towards your career?
The reason I ask this is because I once dated a woman who had just been hired to a prestigious position at a major institution (feel like I should keep it vague here… just in case). She was proud of the fact that her salary had jumped to almost four times what it was previously, and whenever we went out, she always seemed to find a way to bring it up. She asked me if I had an issue with it, I replied that I did not, and yet… she kept mentioning it. It was as though she *wanted* me to be jealous, because that would stroke her ego in a twisted sort of way.
Anyway, if there’s even the remote possibility that this might be the case for you, I would suggest that you just not bring it up. If it’s not a big deal to him, then why make it a big deal?
Of course, this doesn’t address the resentment that you yourself may start to feel. From the way you’ve described the situation, you seem to admit that this is more your issue than his. That is, you’re the one who’s felt taken advantage of and resentful in the past, and you’re the one who’s let relationships fail because of your income discrepancy. If this is the case, the only suggestion I have is, well… just to accept that if you make four times what he does, you’re gonna be the so-called breadwinner in the relationship.
Just don’t expect him to feel bad about it!
Anyway, as long as he’s not a deadbeat mooch, I really don’t see the problem with the salary discrepancy.
[I think the question is, rather, does he still earn a decent and honest living? Do you make 4x more because you make a ridiculous amount of money? Or do you make average wages and he’s far below the poverty level?
If it’s the former, then you might need to cut him some slack for not being as fortunate as you are to be in a position that pays a lot of money. If it’s the latter, you need to figure out if it’s simply a matter of circumstance, or if it’s a matter of his lack of motivation and drive.
As long as he’s not making excessive and unreasonable demands of you and your wallet, or expecting you to always pick up the tab for things, I really don’t see a difference in salary being all that significant. If you are truly a good match for each other, then you will both figure out a way to compromise by letting you be generous when you want to be without it being expected. Be open and honest with each other about your expectations, and hopefully there will be no resentment on either side for simply being who you are.
[Thanks for the feedback. He does have a more entry level type job but has ambition for much more, I am going to be patient for that to happen. I have a job that pays ridiculously well (that I have worked very hard to get), and so I am used to just doing whatever I want. I am not bitter/resentful yet, but I have had faileld relationships based on this. I know that no one else can make what I do where I live, but I just always have felt taken advantage of before. This guy is someone I see myself with longterm so I want to get it right and not have the money issue build up over time. As far as VDay, he is off the hook because I have to work that night, but will be cooking a nice dinner my next night off.
Thank you for pointing out that this CAN work.
[Have you doomed the relationship before you two are even serious?? Is it possible that you use this as a reason to be resentful of the relationship, rather than the person? With money not being an issue, it sounds as if the relationship is great! And to be honest, you won’t ever get to know a person based on the amount of money that he spends on dating you. I have learned more about people from home-made meals, picnics on the beach, camping trips, movie nights and long hikes. Also, the fact that you two aren’t spending a lot of money dating gives YOU an opportunity to save some money for a rainy day. I think this could be a wonderful relationship…just leave the money out of it.
[You’ve got two separate issues here. First, you say that you want to avoid you resenting him (in the future) for making more money than he does so he can’t treat you. Second, you are worried about him resenting you for your picking up the check more often. Talk about it!
[I think that if you truly make the lavish things a treat, and an occasional outing, he won’t resent you.
The trick here is to really evaluate how much you’re ok with the finances being uneven. The problem in my mind is going to come when/if you guys move in together or otherwise start sharing pecuniary responsibilities. If you’re ok with splitting 50/50, and living only to the standard that he can afford, that’s your decision.
However, if you make the decision to live more lavishly, then you’re going to have to pony up the dough to do so. What you can’t do is force him to live out of his comfort zone.
I say continue enjoying what you have at the moment. Red Box it, cook in, enjoy his company, and broach the subject when you decide to get serious.
[It’s tough. I’ve been there, done that. I ended up feeling resentful in the end, but that was because the guy seemed to assume that since I made more, I should be footing the bill more for him. I paid every single time we did anything and went anywhere.
I was very passive and hated to bring this up, and he kept putting me in situations where I felt back into a corner to pay the check. I just kept putting up with this issue and never addressing it. Finally, things ended and we both felt bitter and distanced from one another. I think the right relationship can overcome any differences as long as there is open and honest communication.