So I’m a 32 year old single mom to three kids, and went through a messy divorce a few years ago. I’ve really been wanting to get back in the dating scene recently, and decided online dating would probably be the way to go. But I’m having trouble deciding how “open” I should be in my dating profile. How much is too much?
Because I really want to have more kids, and because I don’t want to casually date and waste time away from my children, I really am only looking for serious relationships. But would that be too intimidating to put on my dating profile? I can’t think of a way to phrase, “My biological clock is ticking so please don’t waste my time unless you’re looking for someone to marry,” so that it won’t scare off all potential matches.
And how much do I mention my kids in my profile? Do I just mention that I have kids, and go into details about their ages and everything? Or just put a simple statement about my being a mother and leave it at that?
I want to find the right match, but I’m afraid my status and clicking biological clock will come across as too obvious and scare men away. How can I prevent this? How should I phrase it all?
LemonVibe 
[I think the fact of simply mentioning your existing children would give some indication to anyone with brains that you might be looking for something a bit more firmly in the “serious” realm.
[I think a common problem a lot of online daters make – at least I saw them as a problem when I dipped my toe in the online dating pool – was to be too detailed, or to over-share. Conventional wisdom would lead us to believe that being extremely detailed is the best thing to do. That way the person reading your profile has an accurate and true portrayal of who you are and whether or not you’d be a good match. Yeah, if your not planning on going on any actual dates, that’s all fine. But geeze, leave something to talk about.
Online dating opens you up to more scrutiny than any other introduction that leads to a date (bar, coffee shop, friend of friend, etc) because people over-analyze. They pick apart every little detail about your profile and assign equal weight to all parts. Liking 90s music is as serious a characteristic to consider as number of children or previous marriages. (I say that in jest, of course, but seriously, they over-analyze). So how do you separate yourself from the pack? Write your profile as if you are interacting with every single person who reads it. If you met someone for the first time and he just spat out all this information at you, then you’d probably get pretty overwhelmed right? I mean picture meeting a guy and he goes off on how much of a bitch his ex was, or starts listing all these negative traits he definitely does NOT want in a woman, or, worse, how much he hates cats. You’d probably think the guy was a dink. But if he were to just tell you a little about what he does, or some of their interests, and displayed a little humor or good charm, you’d walk away from that interaction thinking “hmm, he was interesting, I could see talking with him more.” Leaving a little mystery will give someone a reason to get to know you. Now after a few dates, as you slowly reveal a little bit more about yourself, the guy may find you’re not what he was looking for. It’s dating, it happens. But you shouldn’t get upset, or feel guilty, that either you or he was wasting the other’s time. In the end, you gave it a genuine shot and it didn’t work out for the right reasons.
Know what would be neat? If you could get objective feedback on your profile from people who are not reading through a pile of them and weeding out the bad ones? Wouldn’t it be nice to get anonymous, objective feedback from people who have been in your position? Where could you do that….? OH, I know! Post your profile here. I’m serious. Don’t include any information you think can identify you, but put up a little bit and get some feedback from us on it. We’ll help you polish it up. Think of it as hiring a free editing team 😉
[I would keep it simple. You do not want to overshare, but you do want to stress that family is important to you. I would mention that you are a mother, as that’s something that means a lot to you. But stay away from describing your kids’ hobbies and hair color.
I would wait until you really start talking to someone to mention that you want more kids, but don’t wait too long, as it will inevitably end up wasting your time, and his.
[My suggestions today come courtesy of Yoda:
Mystery. Air of. Forget not to maintain.
Trust me.
Wait, that last line is Obi-Wan.
[Yeah, I agree with what the others have said. It’s not fun to be dating when your biological clock is giving you a sense of urgency that might not otherwise be there, because it just makes everything seem so intense and puts a lot of pressure on each date and interaction you have. I understand where you are coming from, but I think you have to take a look at what your priorities are.
I would assume you want to find someone you’re truly compatible with, someone you can be with for a long time, versus someone to marry quickly and have another kid with so you can fulfill that dream. I would also assume you *don’t* want to go through another messy divorce. So take your time. There is no huge rush. Definitely mention that you have kids, because that’s an important fact for consideration in dating, but talk about the other things you are interested in and what you’re looking for in a partner besides his child-fathering capabilities. Once you meet someone you like, and the feeling is mutual, you can begin talking about some of this other stuff.
And, definitely post your profile here for some honest feedback! Good luck!
[I agree with the others – you shouldn’t include anything about wanting to immediately settle down and have more babies. However, unless it’s a total faux pas with online dating (which I don’t know), I do think you should briefly mention your kids and their ages in your profile. Sure, it’s going to turn some guys away, but they’d likely be turned away as soon as they learn that information anyway. That will at least eliminate guys who don’t have an interest in being in a relationship with someone who has kids, which will mean you won’t waste your time communicating and possibly going out with them.
[When I was in the online dating scene, I was up-front about the fact that I have a little girl. I’m sure it scared off many a potential suitor, but to me, it helped weed out guys that wouldn’t have worked, anyway. And it obviously didn’t scare off my husband from initially contacting me online, as he is now a great stepdad. 🙂
I wouldn’t explicitly say anything about your biological clock ticking or whathaveyou, but mentioning you have children and are looking for something more substantial than a fling might not be a bad idea. Don’t go into too much detail about your children for safety reasons, but just mentioning you have kids in the first place will scare away guys who aren’t ready for that type of commitment, and help attract the ones that are.
[You should definitely mention that you have kids but you don’t need to elaborate anywhere beyond that.
I completely agree with the comments regarding ‘weeding’ guys out. I know when I was in the online dating scene that was actually a filter I set my searches to; women without kids. Yes, I ideally was looking for a serious relationship but not a family immediately from the get-go.
Honesty is always the best way to go, especially when dating online. And having just the basic information up there will probably even help break down your suitors even further when the dates begin. If the guy is truly into you he will likely ask about your kids. It’s up to you how much you tell him, but he probably wouldn’t ask if he didn’t care.
[I must share with you that in the past I have been the girl who just throws it all out on the table first thing and then waits for the guy to decide if he wants to date me. Like, “Here is my past, this is what I want now, and this is what I see for my future. Are you down or not?” Wrong idea!! Trust me. Share the basics of yourself. Like the back of a book. You want someone to read it and want to then buy the book and read the whole thing. Share that much. And then honestly, you will have to date. Some might work out and others might not. But letting a guy know on the first date that you are only in to serious relationships and want more kids soon, won’t find you your prince. It will take some time. Usually after a couple dates, you will know if he is wanting a serious relationship or if he is just dating casually. Don’t make the mistake I made by spilling your guts immediately. Let things happen organically and you will get exactly what you want!