How long should you date someone before having a conversation with them about where the relationship is going?
If you’re a guy, how do you view those conversations? Have you ever brought it up yourself? Because it seems like it is always the girl who ends up initiating the topic.
What are the pitfalls one should watch out for? I’m asking generally, but also, for some context, I am thinking about having this conversation with someone I’ve been seeing for a few months now. It’s been casual, but I think I’d like to clarify, at some point in the near future, what we’re both looking for, i.e. do we continue with the casual dating? should we agree not to sleep with other people? if things keep going well, do we each see ourselves in a more serious relationship at some point?
LemonVibe 
[Ooh, that’s a tough one. The idealistic side of me wants to say that if you’re not confident enough in the relationship where you feel like you need to have “the talk,” then maybe that’s a symptom of trust issues that you have.
But, I know that maybe I’m being too judgmental here. I know that some people just aren’t that communicative.
For my part, though, I don’t know that I’ve ever actually sat down and had said talk. It’s always just kind of happened.
Sorry, I know that probably doesn’t help you much.
[Hmmm I think the answer is “whenever you feel the need to discuss the relationship status.” I’d ask, though, what is prompting the desire to clarify things? Do you feel insecure? Are there things about the relationship that aren’t comfortable or are giving you pause? What do you expect to change as a result of having this conversation?
The answers to those questions may help you figure out what you want to get out of the talk. But, FYI, I disagree with Dennis – I think sometimes you can’t know what people are expecting or looking for without asking them or talking about it.
[I’ve never had a proper version “the talk” as it’s dubbed by most, or “Karl, I’d really like it if you stopped hitting on my mum” as it’s called by most of my exes.
However, from experience, it varies greatly. Some relationships do get serious quickly, others need to be felt out before you’re even sure of what’s happening.
If you’ve been seeing this person for a few months, it can’t hurt to at least ask what both of you are getting from the relationship. As it sounds like you don’t quite know and the input of the other person involved may help you figure that out.
[Whenever the time seems right. I know that’s not very specific (well, you have the talk 3 months from the day you first started dating and exactly 25.6 dates in, and you have to have a flower for each date and blah blah blah) but really, if you want to be in a relationship with someone, you need to just tell them. Say, hey, I’ve really enjoyed my time with you, let’s make it official.
I mean, I’m not the best one to talk, when my fiance and I officially decided we were ‘exclusive’ (not that we weren’t already) was when he joked to one of my friends about how he was glad he was still single and I gave him the cold shoulder. We actually had a bigger talk about putting it up on facebook haha. But we still both knew that we didn’t want to date anyone else and it wasn’t a big deal at all. The talk shouldn’t be a big talk in the first place because you should feel comfortable with it enough that it’s just a formality by then.
[If you’ve been casually dating someone for a few months and have an interest in an exclusive relationship (as you must be, as you’ve asked the question), then I don’t think it’s inappropriate to bring the topic up. Beforehand, you need to take an inventory of where the two of you are – ages, stages of life, work/school schedules, etc. – so you know what are reasonable expectations.
As far as approaching the topic, I’d approach it from being exclusive with one another. If you’ve only been dating casually, I don’t think the big question of “Could this lead to…?” is something you want to discuss now, as it might be perceived as looking for some type of commitment that he likely can’t give you at this time. I think that is the pitfall that you want to avoid. Instead, focus on the exclusive part, as well as expressing an interest in seeing him more frequently than you are now.
If it’s been casual, neither one of you has probably shared much as to how you feel about one another, and I think it’s a good time to do that now, as part of the discussion. However, I wouldn’t go too far – something along the lines of, “I like you, and I have a great time when we’re together” is likely all that you need to say at this point.
Good luck!!
[If I am having sex with someone, I want to know that I am the only one. There are too many infectious diseases, pregnancy included, to risk having multiple partners by association.
The only time I had the “talk” with someone was to ask this very question. While he wasn’t sleeping with anyone else at the time, he couldn’t promise me that he wouldn’t in the future. I wasn’t okay with that, and so the relationship ended. It broke my heart.
You know what would have been worse? My heart breaking because I never asked him the hard question and then found out he was sleeping with another girl.
Ask whatever you need to know. Of course, that means having to be okay with the answer.
Are you ready for that?
[Yes, I think that when you reach a point where you want to be PHYSICALLY exclusive, you need to have the talk. That is too important to just sort of drift through, hoping you’re on the same page. And let’s face it… women are typically the ones that would initiate this conversation because generally speaking, they are more concerned with monogomy in the earlier phases of a relationship. I’m not being sexist, I’m being realistic. If it’s important to you, you’ll bring it up. And remember, exclusivity doesn’t necessarily equal “serious”. So if you’re concerned that by taking the next step forward, you are ringing wedding bells, then don’t be. Just as long as you’re clear and both on the same page, that’s what is important.
[You really need to go with what feels right for you. There really isn’t a ‘text book’ time frame for something like this. My current girlfriend and I had this “talk” only after about a month of dating, though it really only consisted of using mutually agreeing that we didn’t want to date anyone but the other person. So, in that regard it was really easy.
If you want to clarify where the relationship is going that is 100% your right as an equal partner in the relationship. You need to let this person know where you’d like things to go and you deserve to know if this person sees any potential for the future or if they are just in it for the “jollies”. If you want something more, and this person wants to keep it casual then you should maybe look for someone else to be with.
I’m not saying they need to agree immediately to be with you, and only you; but they need to honestly tell you if they see any long term potential with you as opposed to stringing you along for months/years at a time just because they are lonely.