I really like a guy I met a couple years ago. I’ll call him S. He was 26, and I was 19. We started talking in March of 2015, after both of us were coming out of relationships.

We started hanging out almost daily. Before we’d even done anything, I was already very into him, as this was the first guy I’d been with in person since coming out of the closet in 2013. I was new to being in a “real-life” relationship, especially with a guy.

One night, we’d been drinking and I’d told him about some pretty dark stuff that happened to me, and he’d told me some things about himself. He kissed me when I started to tear up, and essentially that night, he took my virginity. We didn’t finish, though. I wanted to stop because I was feeling kinda gross, and I didn’t want to be drunk for this. So we did.

The next night, I went to his house again, and I was sober. This time, I was definitely the initiator. But he kept pushing me away. Eventually, he said he felt uncomfortable, and he went to sleep. I stayed up, because I felt kind of gross, even though I enjoyed being next to him.

The morning after that mess of a night, I confessed to him that I did like him. That’s when he let me down and said that he didn’t feel the same.

Regardless, I continued hanging out with him after this. We had some really fun times, and I was okay with just being his friend.

About two months after we had sex, he got a boyfriend and pretty much ceased contact with me, only messaging occasionally to see how I was. I didn’t see him again for about a half a year.

During this time, I met and started talking to A, a very macho and loud guy — someone I am the complete opposite of. I really enjoyed hanging out with him, and really the only thing I didn’t like about him was that he was a bit aggressive, liked to wrestle and joke around. I didn’t even mind that he was a really Christian (gay) guy, and I consider myself Atheist.

When I told S about A, he was not impressed. S thought I could do better than A. S didn’t know what I saw in A. S thought A was gross. I played along, I talked shit about A with S. I stopped talking to A, though S was still in a relationship all this time.

Soon, S and I started talking more. He would often complain to me about how immature his boyfriend was (his boyfriend was 18). They split in January 2016.

Again, I started hanging out with S more, talking to him more, and falling in love with him more. I was and still am hoping he will see me as something other than a friend.

In April, S moved away to the next state over, but still worked in my town. We continued to talk. Then he got a boyfriend and blew me off again. We didn’t talk much after that. He would send me memes occasionally teasing me about wearing makeup. But not much else.

In November, A contacted me out of the blue and wanted to meet up. I instantly told S, who once again told me I could do better. I don’t know why I even bothered telling him. I knew what he would say.

I ended up ignoring A again, and S and I once again started talking more. Except now everything was about his boyfriend. He even sent me nudes of his boyfriend and pictures and videos of them having sex. At first, I thought it was cause he was drunk. But it’s happened five times since, the most recent being last week.

He sends me pictures of them going out to eat, watching movies, going car shopping. I tell him how happy I am for him, but I’m not sure I can keep pretending. I’m not sure I love him, but I can’t get him out of my mind. Am I hopeless? I know I should give up, but I can’t do it. Maybe I need someone to tell me that? I don’t know.

And now, earlier this month, A messaged me again. Wants to meet up. I haven’t told S. But I need to know if should let myself be open to A, though he is opposite to me. Or tell S my feelings for him. Am I leading myself on?