I met this guy, we’ll call him Jason, about a year and a half ago. We hit it off immediately, and I had a crush on him since day one. My attraction was pretty apparent, but he always made it a point, in an indirect way, to tell me what his type was (which is the opposite or me), which led me to believe he was just putting me in the friend zone.
My friends would say he was a flirt, but I just took it as him being friendly, since he didn’t want “anything more.” So after that point we would hang out periodically just as friends, nothing more. When we hang out though, it is always a good time, and for long periods of time. He is the first close gay friend I’ve had, who’ve I’ve actually been able to talk to and share pretty much everything with.
Fast forward some time, we hang out, we get closer, and anytime there is any issue, he immediately wants to talk about it, very openly and wants to discuss feelings and resolve it. In my life I haven’t had many people, who I can talk to like this.
I start dating another guy, but it’s not exclusive — just seeing each other. While dating this guy, me and Jason we hang out, have dinner, and lots of drinks, a little too much, and end up fooling around.
So next day I text him, just to tell him I don’t want this to be awkward and don’t want it to affect our friendship. He tells me his last relationship was really bad and just couldn’t get into one with me because at this point I would just be a rebound for him and it wouldn’t be fair to me.
We hang out another night a few weeks later, and we are drinking again, and he says, “I don’t want anything going on tonight,” which kind of aggravated me because he assumed that’s all I was looking for.
I break up with my boyfriend (not due to him, it just doesn’t work out). Following that, me and Jason get involved in a couple of projects together, and because that, the last few months we have been seeing each other almost every day, and when we aren’t involved with that, we still make it a point to hang out outside of that together.
One night, we hung out, and I went home with him, cuddled with him, was getting touchy, but he was not reciprocating. So a couple of days later, he wants to talk about what happened. He states basically that he doesn’t want me to think that he is leading me on and says (again) that he just wouldn’t be good for me at this time and says that he enjoys being with me and has a lot of fun, but it’s not just the right/good time.
I tell him as well that if something were to happen (sexually), I would want it to be a sober choice, because I want to enjoy the experience (being that alcohol was usually a contributing factor all other times). He agrees and says, “that’s exactly what I’m saying, IF something is to happen between us, I want it to be a mutual, conscious, decision.”
So that is that, we are in the present, we see each other almost every day, and if we don’t, we are texting throughout the day. We always check in with each other make sure each other is doing well. We obviously have a complicated relationship, and my attraction to him still hasn’t faded. My friends that know me, him, and us together, say they can see that the attraction there. Another friend I confide in says that Jason is just scared and doesn’t want to ruin the close bond that we’ve created. And on more than one occasion when people meet us together, they assume we are dating, until we say otherwise.
This past weekend, we again hung out together, I made him dinner, and we watched movies. The thing is, we were both sitting on my couch, he had the option to sit away from me, but instead he chose to sit close to me (beyond friend close), cuddling to an extent. We were watching scary movies, so every time we jumped, it gave us an opportunity to hold each other. I had my hands on him, and at one time, he finally did the same. He often says things out of left field, that make it seems the interest is more.
I just don’t know at this point what to do, because I can definitely see us together. I don’t ever want to lose his friendship, because he means a lot to me, in spite of all that’s gone on. What can I even do at this point? Just ride it out and hope for the best?