Long distance question

Ok, in high school I met a foreign exchanged student and we kept in touch. We have even been on vacation and he talks of visiting or doing a intern here in the city I am in. He has told me he has always felt drawn to me, and that we could be soulmates. He once jokingly discussed proposing one day and later says his feelings arent as strong as mine. What should I think about all of this?

3 thoughts on “Long distance question

  1. TimTim says:

    [When I hear phrases like “I have always felt drawn to you, we could be soul mates,” I hear “I am trying to play you.” Him falling back to his feelings not being as strong as yours either means you were insane and somehow had stronger feelings than soul mate OR he was trying to get laid or playing some game. I lean towards the foul play on his end.

  2. resullins says:

    [Yeah, I have to agree with TimTim up there. I feel like he’s either playing you, or he has a hormonal imbalance. If he really did feel that strongly and then just stopped, that’s not healthy. If he was just saying those things, then he’s obviously looking for an out-of-town hook up.

    I would also warn you against looking for your “soul mate” in someone that doesn’t even live in the same country as you. Not to say it can’t happen, but you are setting yourself up for a world of hurt here. Take some time, make some friends, find out what YOU like, and see what kind of people you meet!

    • PetiteSauvage says:

      [I agree with the above commenters that it doesn’t sound like you should pursue this guy- but I lean more toward it being because of immaturity than something specifically malicious or purposefully deceitful.
      It sounds like he’s leading you on, but let’s look at what he’s really getting out of this- now and not in the future- it isn’t sex or a relationship (I highly doubt he actually intends to get an internship anywhere near you- even if he himself sometimes thinks it sounds like a pretty cool idea). What he IS getting out of talking to you right now is approval and appreciation. Approval and the feeling that someone out there likes him, without ever having to face the possibility of face-to-face rejection. There are so many things you can rightfully expect from the person you’re seeing when they live down the street that are logistical impossibilities for him- which makes telling you pie-in-the-sky things that much easier. He can say whatever he likes and in the end, both of you understand that at least right now, he can’t actually be held accountable to do what he says.
      I say it isn’t exactly malicious or deceitful because let’s be honest: everyone likes to feel approval and appreciation, particularly if we feel like it’s lacking in other (or all) areas of our life. But there is a certain amount of anxiety that can come along with having people approve of you, if only because it creates expectations you feel like yo have to constantly keep up. And it’s addictive. Meaning that unless you’re enough of a grown-up to deal with your feelings when people don’t show you approval and acceptance, you probably do a lot of shit just to keep people liking you.
      You don’t necessarily do them because you want to hurt anybody, you just aren’t mature enough to deal with yourself when you aren’t getting approval somewhere. This guy gets approval and appreciation from you without the anxiety of high expectations, because as I mentioned, logistically there are expectations he can’t and won’t be expected to meet. The fact that he says your feelings are stronger than his tells me that he might be feeling a tad guilty or conflicted regarding the other things he’s told you in order to get your approval.
      None of this makes him specifically a bad or good guy. Based on what you’ve said he could still easily be either. Hell- maybe he does really like you, but he’s not sure if it’s enough to move to another freaking country. That’s OK. Maybe he’s a sociopath that dreams of murdering you, but feels it would be a lot less trouble to kill someone in his own country. That’s….super not OK, but since he doesn’t live near you, at least YOU are safe. My point being, it doesn’t sound like he’s the right person for you to be focusing on right now. If you think you can dis-entangle your feelings for him, then by all means keep up a friendship. It might provide some useful appreciation that both of you feel you need sometimes and there’s nothing wrong with that. But if you’re passing up other opportunities to spend time skyping/chatting/whatever with this one person who may never be there in person for you, then cut it off. Or even just take a break. You are totally allowed to do whatever is best for your own well-being, even if what’s best kind of hurts the both of you for a while.

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