I’m not exactly sure how to word this, as it’s a fairly odd situation. One that shouldn’t be any of my business whatsoever, but I haven’t been able to sleep for the last two nights because I just feel so much anger and at the same time a deep sense of loss. Not for myself, but for an ex-girlfriend.
She was my first serious girlfriend and we had dated for over a year. I didn’t feel appreciated in the relationship as I was willing to do anything for her and frequently proved it, but I felt as if I never got the same treatment back. Eventually stress kept piling up on me between school work and our relationship, that I told her I needed a breather to get myself figured out. I realize now that I should have just talked to her about my feeling instead of bottling them up. However, she told me that she would wait for me and when I was ready we could begin again. A couple days later she was with someone else and I had realized my mistake too late. So for me there isn’t any closure. I hate being a burden on others so I decided it was best if I just stayed out of her life, for both of our goods because I wasn’t really over her at the time.
Jump forward six years and recently I found her on social media and added her. She accepted the friend request but we haven’t spoke a word since. She has a boyfriend now and I felt that it wouldn’t be appropriate for me to try and talk to her because of our history. However I didn’t really feel like I could cut her out of my life completely so we are still friends on social media. At this point I think I’ve hit the point where I just want to be a friend since she meant so much to me and I still care about her, although not romantically.
A couple of nights ago she posted her story of her rape and I read it. I didn’t know this had happened because it was during the time we were out of touch and upon reading the story I instantly got furious. I mean I spent about 3 hours punching my heavy bag at home and every time I got exhausted I would think about what she went through and instantly get so angry I couldn’t stop myself from just hitting the first thing I saw as hard as I could. Whenever I wasn’t angry I just felt a deep pit in my chest. The thought of it hasn’t left my mind for a second since reading it and I haven’t slept for the past couple of nights because every time I would drift off, I would instantly think about it and fume again. This is being written late at night because once again I can’t sleep and I don’t know how to move on from this.
I still love her, maybe not romantically, but I still care deeply for her. I want to say something to her but I don’t know what to say, whether I’m sorry, or that I’m here if she needs someone to lean on, or tell her the guilt I feel about a member of my gender being the one to do something so horrible to her and that I personally feel guilty because there wasn’t anything I could do to stop it or help her through that ordeal. But even before I try and figure out what I want to say, I don’t even know if I should say something because… I’m not a part of her life anymore. I haven’t been for 6 years. What do I know about her that I can say that I’m familiar enough to be there for her or to offer condolences or apologies. Now she has someone else to fill that role as her significant other and I don’t even know if it would be appropriate for me to reach out to her. I don’t know what to do about this situation but I’m just so unbearably angry. What should I do?