I’m in a stable three year relationship, but I’ve started having feelings for another man.
I feel really conflicted and confused, as my current relationship is stable, there aren’t any problems, we have lots in common, and I never thought that my feelings would change so dramatically.
I met this other guy at several events I do through work, and we have really hit it off and I feel this really strong chemistry with him, which is something I rarely encounter when I meet someone.
We’ve been emailing each other a bit about a project and have just been chatting. I feel so confused though. I have no good reason really to not want to be with my current bf, and yet I’ve met someone who I feel I have really connected with.
I’ve been trying to think of reasons why I might be less interested in my current relationship and all I can come up with is that on an intellectual level I don’t feel particularly challenged by my current bf. He’s very comfortable and rarely discusses anything with depth unless I bring it up. That is the only thing I can think of really.
So I have this dilemma where I can either stay in my current relationship or explore something with this other guy. To be honest, this whole thing is making me feel like a terrible person. I hate that I feel this way, but I can’t control my feelings. The thought of hurting my current bf by breaking up with him because of no particular reason seems really cruel, but I can’t get this other guy out of my head, it’s driving me crazy.
One thought on ““I have no good reason to leave my boyfriend, but …””
You’re right that you can’t control your feelings. You are not alone because a lot of people find themselves in that position, where there are qualities in somebody who is not their partner that they find attractive. Especially when those qualities are exactly what their partner lacks at the time. This reminds me of the 80-20 rule. In a relationship, you get 80 percent of what you need, which is a lot. But there’s still some things that you don’t get, the remaining 20, that can feel significant because it’s what you are not getting. So when someone else comes along and they’re great, you get along well AND they portray a characteristic that you really like but are not used to seeing from your partner, you may start to rethink your current relationship. I’m not saying whether you need to leave or hang on to the relationship, because I think that’s an answer that is going to hit you naturally, and you’ll just know. But what I can say is before you leave what you have, think about if you really know what you are getting into. This other guy might be charming but is he worth being in a relationship with? Does he provide you with the 80 percent that you currently get from your partner? Is whatever you feel is lacking from your relationship something that can be resolved?
That actually brings me to my next point. Does your boyfriend know that you would like for him to express himself more, and have those deep, meaningful conversations? Because one cannot fix a problem if one is not aware that it exists. You said this is the only issue you can really think of, now you just have to think about if it is something you guys can work with. Maybe bringing him somewhere that you think will mentally stimulate him, initiating an intellectually challenging conversation? Over all, just keep in mind that it is easy for a long relationship to start feeling as those it has lost its sparkle. The initial excitement is gone, and you are knee-deep in it. That might contribute to why this new guy seems intriguing.
Try something to bring those butterflies back with your boyfriend, and maybe then the decision between staying or going will become more evident. (I realize this post is from last year, so maybe this advice won’t be helpful, but just wanted to help.)